babies

so cute. i carried one 3 day old and trembled. maybe it's not a guy thing to carry these things. but how come wenjie can? hhmmp! better carry more. i'm just worried for thier head flopping back when they come up, something about weakness of the axial musculature (i know, whatever!). i'll see more today, i'm a sucker when it comes to baby talk not that i can'tdo it, but i'm concious!! i goo goo gaa gaa-ed a kid yesterday. he almost burst out crying, maybe i look scary. no wait. the kid hasn't seen jega yet he's a walking yeti lah. ok jegs kidding!
there was one abandoned kid in the ward, think everyone in the ward knows. teh thing about paediatric wards is that these kids sometimes don't know that they are sick or for that matter the person next to them is sick. all the patients beside them are FREns!! and what do friends do? play. and what do kids do when they play and make so much noise? they irritate me. sorry lah.... ok back to work now.....

something-neurosis

i thought about meeting my friends some time and tell them what i've been up to and how's life's going and all that but everyone seems to be so busy. it used to be frequent meet up sessions. maybe cause we are busy with whatever we are doing now whatever it is. anyway tis past week has been surreal and somehow, to put it medically my suprarenals overdischarge, my pituitaries worked overtime, the sympathetic system gets hyperexcitable, my cranial nerves transmits impulses vigorously and i get Graves' disease like symptoms. and the best part my heart is still beating. and somehow listening to the voices of Anggun and Sarah Mclachlan doesn't push you to the brink of being schzoid. or psychosis. i got nights spend cerebrating about a lot of things and of course studying!!! for those who don't understand, i'll leave the option of asking me....i'm extremely SHY....
p.s. i'm still thinking whether they have a name for this cluster of symptoms? something-neurosis? anyone?

Sunday drive

we meandered into avenues
instead of the taking the seaside shot
taking the drive to scenes unfamiliar
unexplored territories
knowing what we're missing;
the coastal backdrop of the cloudless
blue and breaking crests of the sea.

in these streets; the rustic tenement
windows and grosteque architecture
construct images of ancillary existence
not part
of the general narrative.

ah, to travel and stop

look around

and get lost in this perplex maze, to

hold to this winding idea, like the microscopic

entanglement of a pretty fabric.

there goes this language evaporating

like ghosts in this static state

into their heavens of metaphor

in the distance the sun retires

declining behind blocks of concrete

an amber glow

a campfire in the impending dark.

breathe stretch shake

had dance today. the whole evening stretching up till nite. gosh the preparations are going well. the hoods are crazy though. bet they'll get in one lah. dance IMMEDIATELY after dinner, calvin and i were burpin and recaping steps. man this is too desperate but we finished the choreo and formation, getting more efficient or what!? hehe....i can't remember the steps i taught in class.. brazenly haha.... those freaks from Blast will. which comes to the point again, when i will stop seeing these guys. been a long time since i caught up with sec sch peeps. met my pal just now at as7, doesn't seem to wanna talk or acknowledge maybe he's in a hurry or something oh well better not think too much of that gesture. chill.
i do have to remember to hand up my report, get textbooks for next week..arrgghh hospital clinical med thing all over again but with kids yeah........... i hope i enjoy paeds.... cos i can't stand babies, toddlers aiyah those things crying, whining and making all that noise....still i'm looking forward.
no more gg malaysia for me then, damn suppposed to be a weekly thingy but too bad, have BETTER things to do (yes yes keep telling myself that, lets see slough at the hospital slough at the hospital and slough at the hospital), sometimes i wonder, if people in the general medical and surgical wards sleep post-prandially then those paediatric patients will be in somnolence state like 24 hrs or at times when THEY want to wake up and cry some more. man i pity the nurses already, must checkj their ears for plugs maybe that's how they cope....
lately been getting cranky (not gettin crunk!- ok LAME) like i would snap at the littlest stuff. again it's a mystery.maybe subconciously i'm fed up with some force somewhere. think it's about time i re-read my psychiatry text, what's that some theory of mind thingy. ah yes DSM IV might have the answer, no treatment though.....sigh again.... electroconvulsive? sertralin? psychotherapy?
right. was talking bout dance with fren just now. bout 5 schools of jazz, 6 schools of contemporary dance, the bickering ballet schools, hip hop and economics, approach, choreography, politics, adaptibility etc. got enlightened. yeah realised i have a long way to go..really long!! but MBBS first!! must pass, must work as HO, MO..... haha which reminds me saw my newly graduated senior dancing at jitterbugs, i'm like," eh don't u have patients to see?" apparently he has time to dance all that...doing salsa..i wanna do salsa.....okok soon soon... babies and women and bacteria and bones first ok....???? anyway for dance never actually put expectations on like winning stuffs like dance is merely dance and dance. i guess for me it's more like gaining experience and building confidence on stage and not forgetting steps etc.
anyway, been a tiring day, getting myalgia and myositis better stretch. gonna miss my jazz class tom. there goes one more day training hitch kicks, grande battement, arabesque and all other luigi stuff.......damn..........
Kandang Kerbau here i come.....soon haha

21.06.2005

the past week has been tiring. two consecutive competitions. first i thot we wouldnt get inarc ecko competition finals but i turns out we did..must be our very nice expressions haha and the costumes and the old school mediocre shit! remix was one heck of a competition and the floor was bad. i think i #ed my ankle jumping over jacky. ok people no more stunts over concrete ok!? ok had the fight scene to finish addicted to Elliot's new song-Lose control and made the blast! people dance to it. haha (evil laugh). haven't been meeting up with frens they came down to watch but only after i performed like huh? called but my phone in ma bag sorry guys can come again on Saturday ok? haha...zahdan has this movie marathon thingy. not that im not interested but i have da comp.
nowadays it feels like dancing's like meaningless. my mom don't get it. nvm. my fren celia asked me a very good question on one of our lepak escapades,'what does dance or Blast! mean to you?' .....i took so long to think that but managed a,' hmmm i've never thot about that actually. sometimes really it means i don't know......'
better thoughts going to hospital kk.....see young sick kids (literally) and be-fren them haha....reading the paed's textbook and i don't get it....so many things to note here and there...kids kids the joy and death of every parent!
the lepak club or CULT is getting too much for 'comfort' if u know what i mean ok actually u don;t...nvm. the fact is we see one another everyday we scare the shit out of one another like hello is me IN UR FACE again!!! like right now u make me close my eyes i could point out ur pimple if u want or that 5 yr old scar on ur face.......!!! CULT-Y......
mood is getting erratic nowadays don't know why....ok NOT PMS-ing..but yeah maybe it's the reaction to daily events, conversations, misunderstanding, irritability and impatience. i shouldgo kill an ant or a cockroach ( i used to kill lots of them at one time under my fren's block....happy and guilty) to relieve my stress. more stress coming up man..i don't know what's up with the progress of the centennial man......all of us looming in darkness in the fog behind one anothers' shadow whatever. maybe all i need is a good sleep. or a good read. or a nice smile.....my sister's smile always make my day....nowadays they sleep when i get back...don;t get to see..maybe when she sleep-talk lah hor......
need money andno time to do werk. dance dance! that's what my fren said. planplan...thinkthink doesn't anyone get tired...man....
okok hamba ingin beradu...

journey to eternity

for me the night train stopped/i who halt not but for necessity/no ticket no luggage no passengers drop/alone in this journey towards immortality/we passed by the grazing horses/the pastures scarcely done/looked up on mounts of brick-red houses/as i awed the setting sun/slowly we went we knew no haste/like a feather gently blown away/pondered the times i left to waste/as pitch-black darkness turns into day/i surmised the soot-stained head/in morning where the sun shines bright/heading for centuries i can not dread/one i must make into the blinding light.

problems

the background noise will never go away. it radiates like the sun except it focuses it's energy on me and it hits like a thousand needles exploding from a plastic bomb. hurts everytime. i make myself louder or listen to the sounds of laughter; of joy, happiness and carefree, to silence the constant buzzing. when my evasion wanes, reality bites me. again. the pain progresses. it evolved into something incomprehensible. i numbed myself. frivolous attempts. now i wish i was deaf.....

everyday

everyday is an abstraction; where the physical meets the metaphysical in this deficient-laden perceptible world we call reality. reality bites! sometimes........

tetapi seringkali ku rasa hidup ini tidak dihayati langsung. ia diendah dibiarkan kesinambungannya terapung berleluasa tanpa teguhan yang sempurna. jelas mati tanda² tanya penjana permulaan.....

hatred

Hatred is the lost for words as magma
flows over the contours of the temples,
It is the white calling the black with venomous resonance,
It is failure to connect with your loved ones
And the stabs of injustice to the innocent soul.

Hatred is the abandonment one does not fathom,
It is the betrayal of loyalty, trust, love and self,
It is engagement that ceases in cold despondency
And the heartful laughter of pretentious intendment.

Hatred is the conviction that weakness parallels strength,
It is the fear of confessing deep-running sentiments,
It is exposure to vibes of irritating idiosyncracies
And the glacier-speed motion of apparent progress.

Hatred is the inability to confront fear itself,
It is the love for the forbidden material,
It is stupidity masquerading intellectual absolutism
And the powerless reaction of rational judgment.

i'm sitting here thinking about what i'm gonna do with my life. actually no tjust thinking but worrying. i mean do people worry too? or is this some kind of paranoia? i sit here and i wonder 5 years down the road, where i would be and what i'll be doing? ok maybe not that far. maybe even 2 years! i don't know....would i be living a routine? or an exciting adventurous life? would i still ride my RXZ or get a new bike? maybe a car even? would i decide to dance after graduation? would time be by my side? would UG still exist? would people now that u're so close to be like gebish-bam-boom snap snap blink blink go their separate ways? would i grow up to be a mature adult who rationalise rather than react by the moment kinda thing? or would i be responsible enough to undertake the multitude of responsibilities that adulthood entails? would i get married? that's too far.....have children? how many? will i have money? will i be happy-go-lucky? or a meticulous planner who organises his life to the point? would i still dance?! man......would i make for a good competent doctor? so many questions..ok now that they're coming out they starting to freak me hahaha....i mean people do think of the future right maybe not so detailed....but yah the impending future uncertainties surely warrant some pondering and thinking and planning even right? fail to plan plan to fail? right? ok yah lah i think there's just too much thinking now....anyway was reading an interesting article in library just now about personality disorders and how they arise and how people with such disorders are the way they are and what are the treatment options...ok they cited two types of personlaity disorders one was borderline and the other anti-social personality disorder. yeah so these people got issues...and they usually according to American Journal of Psychiatry have this thing called the inability to mentalize which is to create a perception of reality other than reality itself and they belief in that perception of theirs with so much conviction that they restritct the possibility of other perceptions or interpretration of that reality and it makes hard for psychiatrists to engage them in psychotherapy cause they are not in a reflective state where they acknowledge differential view points, which maybe why these people end up being so histrionic or criminals at the end of the day....so what's the relevance? yeah sometimes people come to conclude what they perceive through their limited senses ( i use limited here to highlight the imperfections of our senses or even if the perception is accurately caught, it's interpretation would differ differentially principally cause different people have different levels of deliberating, cerebrating, managing perceptions, and coming to conclusions) based on one perception and they stick to that perceived reality of theirs such that they do not allow other possible scenario for what they saw....this can lead to miscommunication between parties for whatever reason..even though humans generally do not have personality problems but seem to have anyway..okok..the criteria for personality d/o is strict (don't go asking me wht it is! refer to Psychiatric DSM IV claasification). so enough bout that already....
it seems also that my lameness and bitching have been on the rise lately like to the point where even an innocent ant (who probably puts on a deaf ear) becomes victim to the merciless creature i call Taufik's tongue. this has got to be reduced (notice i didn;t use stop) gradually man.i need feedback people!! like positive negative ones etc. for example i told celia to slap my face ( i mean not so hard) as a deterrent for not heralding bitchy remarks. anyway it's freaky come to think of it. my brain or mind or something in my skull's wired such that it reacts! and there's this cerebral-pharyngeeal connection/association that i can;t explain but it happens u know....the model for it;s functioning works something like this...
someone says something --> goes to the brain --> SUBCONCIOUSLY think of something NASTY to say --> mouth says it...you see i'm not invlved in this pathway..so the next time u think i'm being nasty...i can't help it really.....sobzzz...( teh doctor said so..;p)
feelin tired nowadays..like aching and being lethargic all that..maybe cause i didn;t dance for one day. could that be it? dance-withdrawal syndrome characterised by body aches, pains, agitation, the need to move and PMS-like symptoms!! man.. i could call that Taufik's Syndrome..got a condition named after me....haha...ok now lets not dream ok.....
right we had this malaysian trip early in the week tuesday on the 7thjune and it was like my first time since a long time can? the last time was like 14 years ago can..when mommy held my hands so tight my bones almost cracked...and we got chased out of the restorant - by my dad- for not wanting to eat seafood!! man...bad/sad memories....and with the advent of digital camera all the more crazy we got.....keep taking pictures of nonsense stuff! and of people with nonsensical faces...
ahmad, rozana and myself were speaking malay, which of course was weird and all..we even deliberated what to say b4 we ordered food can? and ahmad;s malay cannot make it!!!i think next birthday present we give him money bring him to the SIR and change his name can!!?? actaully the trip would have been better if we hanged out till late night and have dinner by the road side and risk food poisoning and all ( but next week shaun goin leh..so i doubt we'll be eating anywhere OUTDOORS). watched the interpreter and was thinking maybe next time after i improve my french then i can migrate to Geneva,Switzrland and work for WHO, lepak everyday with the French and Swiss and eat French loaf and delifrance and savour SWiss chocolates till i die of obesity and cardiovascular diseases or even choking....drink evian mineral water from the river itself and grow old with my wife and kids and...okok too much already.....see lah..dream some more...
anyway..yah we're gg again to catch the SMITHs', heard it's good and all haha....and gonna eat and go....S-h-o-p-p-i-n-g!!!! cheap cheap cheap.....(bird sounds) ok lame!!!
still dancing and reading and reading and thinking of poems..not very productive nowadays guess i'm held down by too many stuff....not getting inspiration man...
inspiration is like a dove
that flew away on the ice cold winter..ok whatever.......aarrgghhh

books of the moment: to kill a mockingbird-harper lee and Nelson's textbook of paediatrics 4th edition.
song of the moment: parking lot pimp- blow

nick names

humans like to give one another nicknames. whatever you call them but everyone get's them anyway, i bet right from day one. there's no problem with nick names i must say. i like mine but the why i write about nick names is cos i ponder why is it that one calls someone else by his or her moniker- whatever- when he has a special- most likely meaningful, well most of us do anyway- name that has been discernly cerebrated, appraised and meditated upon just to have it tinkered and niggled by the very peoples who accord you the title....funny it seems. i don't have that problem but i realise many others have beautiful names that are not given the articulation they deserve. maybe cause parents pronounce these nicks automatically and universally to attempt to distract or subvert the evil eye that won't be mentioned, or maybe they just think its cute or they find some affliation to something else that reminds them of the person or maybe it's some spontaneous expressions of affection that come out of their mouths (just so like pet names or baby talk- haha-) or it could be some incident that afflicted the person and they find it amusing or something that they decide,' A-ha that should be ur name'. weell i don't know i'm speculating.
and the fact is that nick names are not restricted to the homosapiens more so peculiarise this phenomena of according nicknames. like the academy awards=oscar, like who the hell is Oscar in da first place. ok teh origin of the word oscar is cause someone by the name of Bette Davis looking at the stupid golden statue and thought that it resembled her fren Oscar! and it became an industrial icon, Mr. Oscar- whoever he is!! and what's up with teh Emmy's and the lot! why can't they call it a proper even. just the event. and this brings to another point, that assigning nick names makes for a powerful advertising tool. Like FedEx, Coke, Macs?!
This nickname stuff when looked at a bigger picture is a tool for the manipulation of behaviour. Like a company boss who assigns his/her new employee with a nick name the moment he/she starts work -so cliche and idiosyncratic, but i don't whether it happens here never worked in an office b4- is a mere example of how this assignation is a powerful, influential (and impolite) tool. and for those who give in to the title to have whatever gains-personal or social whatever- have taken the step or actually surrenderd their personality and given it to the antagonist!! it's liken to selling ur soul to the devil, ok not so hyperbolic.....bt u get my point. And for the rest who wants their dignity, justice or just want their name to be pronounced properly and not be moniker-ed they have to go though like ok i don't know what!!! haha..okokok maybe we accept the title cause we are structured such that we rather suffer in silence than go trough the whole process of taking arms and guns and verbal confrontations or bitching or being sore against the oceans of troubles that afflict us all. maybe. boo hoo. like being victimised by a cheating shopkeeper and asking," is it me who don't know how to bargain?" like instead of accepting the reality of being oppressed they question themselves. we question ourselves.
the thing is names are powerful. more so nick names. their construction have no special meanings -ok so i'm generalising- it's simply curtsey! and it's this curtsey-ness that gives it power for the fact that it has no content. for when this obeisance transits from the conciously having to think about it mind to the automatic, we gradually lose our recognition of it's provenance and eventually the name becomes a habit. the unconcious mind can filter off whatever that it deems or wht we deem freckless, fruitless, useless- whatever! but if it isconstantly reiterated and when compulsion is added, we might be headed for trouble- maybe grief, sometimes!!

choking

experience airway blockade and deprivation
try to forcefully expectorate
asphyxiated
dead.