insomniac

i can't sleep. maybe cause my biological clock is accustomed to sleeping early in the morning. stupid circadian cycles! so instead of lying in bed staring at the ceiling i decided to do something productive. no not study (why that?) not read (why bother?!) but surf the net. Then i realised that i might be better off in bed cause i'm not doing something productive here too. but since i'm already here, i might as well.
oh man..there's a cat at my window at 4.15AM?! what the heck is it doing here....brb....
ok cat is gone. man...at first i was freaking out cos my window is directly behind me and i hear these 'sounds'. and then my window grill starts to make 'noises', i was like turn turn turn.....and then, i thought it was someone in tudung!! (the bloody cat was white furred!! arrgghh) when i focused there it was. staring at me and me at it. "Oi!!" and it leaped out of sight! ph(m)ew!!
was studyin in the ghettos today, the heartland and got my bout of rhinitis and itchy and running nose. i have a feeling i'm falling sick again. nevertehless, being with hotgirl21 never fails to unwind me. always a new experience for me. always something new. e.g. pre-sneezing facial expression! haha. oh yah. the rendang over at banquet toa payoh stall 13 is amazing. the beef so tender lah! will definitely go back there again. wanted to eat OCK but turns out i'm not in very good terms with him. maybe that's why cannot sleep --> kempunan (craving).
i have an 8am ward rounds later and it's already 4.23. i don't think i'll go for it. think i'll spend the morning preparing for the test at 4. OSCEs. Hope they are not out to kill. i heard this posting accounts for 1%-2% of the final MBBS. Slack sua.......
maybe i should start on my case write up. CRVO. must find evidence!! damn these ophthalmologists.... jut contradicted my previous statement...
on a different topic altogether, has anyone ever wondered where the heck in Singapore can one lepak (chill, hang out)? Cos i can't. There's concrete everywhere!
gonna digress again..... so i think i'll just go do something else. sigh* still not sleepy........i just popped chlorampheraine. it doesn't work. the next i go to my aunt's place, i'll steal some benzodiazepines!!! hehe*

just realise, no not just realised but know, the bitching capabilities of some people. And they call me queen bitch! I gotta give it to someone else. Ok there's so many rehearsals coming up for DR and Next Wave. So tom gonna be the first official tech class for Ensemble...haha don't care i hope will gain something out of it!
today's been great. went for practice with Pat. Cleaners lockers and girls doing jazz and krumpers? i wanna do jazz piece. nvm. i'm supposedly locking but just now i got the drunken man role. the choreo was good man. i'm still amazed by patrick's ability to spontaneously choreograph! anyway, looking forward to the whole picture. must be great with the alumni and all.
afterwards went for the suntec dance prelims. the teams not bad! i wanna learn new school hip hop!!!! whack, skin, etc! wah tonight was girl power night. most of the girl teams were great! solos not bad too. i think it provides good exposure. that 11 yr old malay boy with the michael jackson grooves is going to be next dance idol! gosh, he's damn funky can?! i left the place astounded by unremixed team! they are damn powerful can?! shitz man. breaking and dancing combined...jaw dropping..eye opener.
then went for rehearsals. the style is totally different. hamzah decided he wanted to do 'funk' for his guys part! i'm like what!!! funny. my bodily motions are still accommodating to his style. alot of rib cage movement. seems like Jean like that. lucky he didn't include whacking!!
my lips are getting drier by the minute.
sigh....i keep sighing nowadays. maybe i should include that as a favourite pastime.
i'm sure many share my sentiments when i say this.
I HATE PUBLIC TRANSPORT!

shrubs can be canopies too

Life does damage to the living\our fault?\i hate the smell of lifeless emotions\the sound of death\and the mere thought of it freaks me\it adrenalinises me\and the incomprehensibility of the many fears me\i love the schizoid for their exclusitivity\but i hate their complexity\living does damage to the lives of people\they don't know it\or maybe have yet to realise\like a cumulonimbus precipitating acid\like planting weed in a paddy\living does damage to those who don't fit in\paying for their innocence\passive protests\against hearts of concrete\jaundiced minds and those seeing but blind\love does damage to those loving\when it cannot transcript and translate\when it cannot manifest and relate\when u lose even if you rationally debate\it liquifies before it evaporates\love does damage to those who love\the other dove dies of stroke\when cells react when they are provoked\like canopy over the rainforest
shrubs\perhaps one day\shrubs can be canopies too.

Pappadum is ober. Pinally we hab sometink to look porward to man..like dance replections!!! they were saying that they might hab the our first rehearsal this saturday. that's pucking early right? but need to keep momentum going i guess?
sigh......
everyone's work is piling up. sigh some more.
and it sick to know that u hab to be where you are supposed to be at 730 in the marning!! i missed this marning class. deliberately. c'mon i can't hab pun last night meh. think my prens in my CG are going to strangle me por passing all the work to them!
plus i am sick again!
my immune system is waning. not pair. i'm not that old! sigh eeben more. i peel like pulling out this nose that's running like niagara. and this migraine that's thumbing like a stomp band. thanks to late night rehearsals (Pappadum). i'm sure many enjoyed. Nam Leng was telling about the acuteness of the whole story. i was trying to explain the chronicity of it. she didn't get it. aiyah neber mind.
i have to give it to the Jazz Band people esp, they waited the longest, carried the heaviest of equipment and sitting down waiting for the cold to invade. and the Blast people complain the most! the irony of things.
talking about ironies, i was reading newspaper about the medishield/medisave thingy. it's an irony that the govnt want us to put money into the medisave so that we can pay for our hospitalization (if any, CHOI!) but they don't want singaporeans to be hospitalised, cause might strain health care (preventive medicine). so we save for what? mayeb should let us use medisave for other preventive health related purposes or just let those poor people with diabetes use it for their daily medication. if u wanna wait for them to get hospitalised b4 u allow them to use it, then a bit too late right? No wonder we are straining the health economy.

break from the books

i'm supposed to be studying now. but i'm stoning. so i decided that that was a waste of time. so i unstoned and decided to write(type) an entry. right now. my muscles are aching from non-stop dancing. blast! and ensemble. damn tiring can. i didn't know that the tech classes were so demanding! arrggh. now i feel like a pregnant woman. damn.then came the pas de deux! my wrists almost gave way. but i still smiled. i can't help but kacau rozana. that girl so kacau-able! ok sentosa was fun. baking and crusting until it's too late and teh next thing u know u are scorching! red red red. ouch! yup that's what happened. poor me. go again next week. this time i stay in the shade....;p it seems weird to me that i feel none of the joy and anticipation for pappadum. maybe cause the rest of the dancers can't be bothered too. call me sensitive. i don't know, maybe i'm expecting too much. somehow the blast! people are like hhhmmm what shall i say....ok i can't find the word and my mind is thinking of diagnostic criteria for HSP. shit! there's a test tom at KK. i hope the tutors are nice. i really hope so. ok better go back now.

being sick creates a certain sort of vacuum in your life. that space where everything in you stops. and everything else moves along. it's a common sight in the wards of the local hospital. from the benign cases of someone with exaggerated attack of cough and wheezing to the extremes of a child being sick with nephrotic syndrome, or worse acute lymphocytic leukemia with <6 months prognosis. still despite this spectrum, everyone experience illness differently. from interpretation of symptoms, to doing something about that symptom, to wanting suffering to end, to even want to die for having suffered so long etc. why people behave the way they do sometimes you cannot comprehend, when u understand the logic of inaction or action or reaction. i was reading some article in Life! section today about one of the audiences during a busking items put up by a local theatre group, who was unconvinced that Aids CANNOT be spread through Saliva. aiyah! if i were the buskers, i'd knock him unconcious! it's heartaching can, there people are trying to tell you that there are people out there (scientists and researches) who take pains and even devote their lifetime trying to search medcial evidence through a series of taxing trials and studies just for a plain simple fact that HIV does not spread through oral secretions, and at the other end of the world someone goes," really?!"
never mind that. imagine seeing these people everyday in hospital. i once told this man that taking steroid puffs for his asthma would do him good in the long run as it will decrease his airway sensitivity from whatever that's provoking him. he brushed it off as saying it doesnt work. he's regularly warded for acute exacerbation of asthma. i have no comments! my jazz teacher told me when i was talking to him about life and stuff. he asked me wha is it that i want to do after i get my medical degree. i said maybe do a post-grad training in a certain specialty. he asks ultimately for what? i was caught for a while. ok why am i going to study so hard for? after staring at the mirror in the dance studio for a while, i said maybe i waould want to contribute back to society some day. he said. that's good, that's impressive and noble. but personally i think it's quite taxing. trying to give back to society sometimes can be heartbreaking and not be fruitful for yourself. my mind was racing as he spoke. i didn't know whether to be angry or how to feel or react to that. i mean i was there thinking hey how could you say such a thing. this society gave me my idiosyncracies, my thoughts, it moulded a part of me, it gave me space for my personality and it gave me friends and family, it also gave me security- even if i don't ask for it. so what's wrong?
but before i said something i listened.
he mentioned that at times u tax yourself for no reason trying to give back when no one appreciates it sometimes. maybe for your case, it would be for a medical cause. only some would listen maybe some would not. and you try to push it till you crack or maybe u won't push it. either way you'll ask yourself. what is wrong with the way i do things? why can't i get my message or intentions across? why is there so much diversity in the way people think and do things? and u get frustated. i have.
i thought some more. maybe he ran out of patience. or maybe he lost the will to keep up with the demands of society (whatever that may be). or he just thought he might be better off contributing somewhere else, that's if, after all the exhaustion he still was able to muster enough strength to do something.
so i asked him, what do u think that?
i've seen and experienced it first hand. maybe u have also someway or another. if not you'll see.
i was starting to think maybe it was a product of him thinking to much about doing that. but maybe he wanted me to see that if u wanna do something, there's got to be a meaningful attachment, not just senseless helping around. so i thought of the many instances of mutuality that connected us in this aspect. true! there were numerous instances. and many of which i disliked the experiences. for they were attempts at futility, or u dont see the end of it, or you don;t see the point to it, or worse u get scolded for ur samaritan intentions. so i got it back to myself, i think too much sometimes too. if not good, then it's to my detriment. then i envision scenarios of pathological proportions and i snap back into the conversation.
so what did u do instead? i asked, now not out of curiosity but blantant pretence of wanting to know.
he said, i just helped myself.
bleargghh.
ok so that may not have been very helpful. but the point he was trying to make maybe was why spend so much time trying to impress upon other people ur virtues of goodness and need to outreach and stuff when u can spend the time showering urself knowledge, skills etc.
well i guessed this guy overlooked things a bit. for one i think there;s a lot to learn from helping others. also it fosters a healthy concept of altruism. imagine if everyone thought that they're better off somewhere else?
anyway enough already back to my point about being sicka and all that. yes being sick alters u, urself, physiologiccally and maybe mentally which is probably why i recalled unnecessary bits of memory unworthy of recall.
it's true that people value their lives more when they are sick but abuse health when they are not. and someone's got to be out there denouncing this health belief! if not the doctors then who?
then i question what's my calling? i don't know. like i alluded earlier in my entries i can't even imagine being a house officer running around. what more being an advocate?
but despite all the sickness and sickness-associated thoughts, life still goes on. there's a booksale at expo till the 9th! was there will candy not too long ago. ok maybe at 11 plus which was quite a while ago. anyway supposed to be back there later but i think i'm lazy. maybe tom.
ok time for medication (damn i sound like a filipino nurse!)... i'll be bak layterr (filipino accent..).
cheers!

(suicidal) thoughts

if i jumped down from one place
and get numb in the wind's embrace
will it be too late to be grieving
when i want my life to go on living?



p.s. don't worry i'm not killing myself!!

memori ayah (1945-1998)

tujuh tahun lalu
sering diulangi peristiwa.
mencerobohi cerita lama;
keretapi malam henti tetiba
tuk hitam menggadai cinta
dan sendiri..
lahir di tanah Melaka
merempat azab seksa
membawa kaki merata
dengan hati yang terlalu percaya
rezeki hanya ada di kota
akhirnya hampir di Singapura.

dikenang ibunya
yang sering bertanya
sudahkah engkau tak kisahkan desa?
khusyuk bekerja hingga engkau lupa?

namun
setiap kali diulangi
setiap kali kisah diiringi
tangisan mata; tiap malam dia sering
menyingkap
diminta ulangkan
semboyan keretapi
yang kini sudah tiada lagi
hanya memori pedih
bak parut di sanubari.

Sepeninggalannya
ingatan ini mendidih; mendadak!
dan untuknya aku menulis

meskipun dia tak dapat membaca
meskipun dia tak dapat mendengarnya.

esplanade (by the bay of breeze)

the singapore river talks to us
tales of passing, misery and gay
sadness and happiness it pours
we listen in pretence....blissful

we stare at
the children in curious
pursuits of unfounded happiness

running, falling, standing and running
till their hearts suffice in joy or
their limbs scream in fatigue

we sat overlooking
the plains of Marina and thought
what if this moment became
another piece in our jigsaw?

31.07.2005

like enough already.... haha. yes finally...the end of 3 days at Jubilee Hall doing the medical production and what relief!! not for me but for everyone else who helped out one way or another. i'm sure they want some rest after months of hard work. the cast and those people behind the scenes really deserve much applause. an of course the man of the medical century, Mr. Wong Chen Seong!! it's funny though...yes a whole bunch of doctors-to-be running a production all by ourselves, with money flowing in from the respective committee of course haahaa...u think all doctors rich meh?! but we did as the man said so himself..all by ourselves!! haha....i recalled when we first met up with chen seong to discuss this possibility. by the way he WROTE the Script, DIRECTED it and even PENNED the lyrics to the music. music composition was done by Justin and co whereas Flora, myself and steph did dance, movement and choreography haha. it's still very interesting to have seen it all materialised! anyway, we were quite apprehensive at first. in addition things were moving slow all that stuff to do with theatre and discipline did at some time hit some raw nerves somewhere (and it always ends up at the hypoglossals cause it starts bitching), but despite the desparation, antagonistic persona and agony, he made us pull it through....i recalled memories of us having to come up with plays and such. the medical school always have this showcase of theatre talent yearly known as the PLayhouse whereby every level that is from Year 1 through Year 5 would have to showcase a play, song and dance, lasting about 45 mins eac, held some time during september like that. at the end of it there'll be prizes for best script, best direction, best actor & actress, best supporting actor and actress, best dance etc...so it's quite happening actually. this year i'm not too sure whther they are having it but they have a playhouse representative elected!! and it's Cheok for my batch haha!! so yes, everyone's acting and dancing dramatically ( no pun intended) exponentially increased when i caught it today. i occured to me that everyone was exceedingly spontaneous and enjoying themselves on stage. maybe it's the thought that the end beckons-what-the-heck-here-goes-nothing-in-your-face attitude. i like.....
i had lunch and dinner with "the chinese girl". and did something bad (uh-uh..no nasty thoughts) she caught my flu bug! and we both have viral rhinitis now. so yep this one heck of a doctor to be who doesn;t know how to take care of himself is going to visit another doctor, who would probably prescribe dextrophan, chloramphenicol and acetaminophen for the triad of symptoms, with this girl at YIH, later. "how exciting- gg to the doctor together", someone lamented. but yah then there came this controversy with food choices when one is sick. is it true that there are certain foods that you can or cannot eat when u are not feeling too good? the answer is no! well some other docs will tell you that you need to avoid this and that but i think that within reasonable boundaries u can eat anything so long as it does not aggravate ur condition. i hear u refute but no, this logic ain't not going down the chute. ok lame or what! anyway, yesh..what i meant to say was that eat whatever but take ur medication, rest well and you'll be fine. the real logic is ur body needs nutrition for growth and combating the illness. unless of course u are in diabetic crisis or hypertensive emergency, then of course it will be prudent that u restrict foods that are high in glycemic index and salt content eh!
we went top shopping, ok not top shop but tops u know what i mean right. btu couldn't get one, supposed to get two. the thing that is iiritating is i can't envision the whole scene thingy so i can't like decide what i wannawear. and what do i do? ask someone else to decide it for me.....dope!
she stuffed banana balls (ok not THAT banana balls) while waiting for the bus to get home. i left for Jubilee (ok the HALL not some fling). ok getting corny or something here...?
right yesterday i was telling rozana that i want to audition for Ensemble! She told Steph. i think the whole world knows now. thanks!

Book of the moment: Asian-American Literature (an anthology) by SHirley Geok-Lin Lim