being sick creates a certain sort of vacuum in your life. that space where everything in you stops. and everything else moves along. it's a common sight in the wards of the local hospital. from the benign cases of someone with exaggerated attack of cough and wheezing to the extremes of a child being sick with nephrotic syndrome, or worse acute lymphocytic leukemia with <6 months prognosis. still despite this spectrum, everyone experience illness differently. from interpretation of symptoms, to doing something about that symptom, to wanting suffering to end, to even want to die for having suffered so long etc. why people behave the way they do sometimes you cannot comprehend, when u understand the logic of inaction or action or reaction. i was reading some article in Life! section today about one of the audiences during a busking items put up by a local theatre group, who was unconvinced that Aids CANNOT be spread through Saliva. aiyah! if i were the buskers, i'd knock him unconcious! it's heartaching can, there people are trying to tell you that there are people out there (scientists and researches) who take pains and even devote their lifetime trying to search medcial evidence through a series of taxing trials and studies just for a plain simple fact that HIV does not spread through oral secretions, and at the other end of the world someone goes," really?!"
never mind that. imagine seeing these people everyday in hospital. i once told this man that taking steroid puffs for his asthma would do him good in the long run as it will decrease his airway sensitivity from whatever that's provoking him. he brushed it off as saying it doesnt work. he's regularly warded for acute exacerbation of asthma. i have no comments! my jazz teacher told me when i was talking to him about life and stuff. he asked me wha is it that i want to do after i get my medical degree. i said maybe do a post-grad training in a certain specialty. he asks ultimately for what? i was caught for a while. ok why am i going to study so hard for? after staring at the mirror in the dance studio for a while, i said maybe i waould want to contribute back to society some day. he said. that's good, that's impressive and noble. but personally i think it's quite taxing. trying to give back to society sometimes can be heartbreaking and not be fruitful for yourself. my mind was racing as he spoke. i didn't know whether to be angry or how to feel or react to that. i mean i was there thinking hey how could you say such a thing. this society gave me my idiosyncracies, my thoughts, it moulded a part of me, it gave me space for my personality and it gave me friends and family, it also gave me security- even if i don't ask for it. so what's wrong?
but before i said something i listened.
he mentioned that at times u tax yourself for no reason trying to give back when no one appreciates it sometimes. maybe for your case, it would be for a medical cause. only some would listen maybe some would not. and you try to push it till you crack or maybe u won't push it. either way you'll ask yourself. what is wrong with the way i do things? why can't i get my message or intentions across? why is there so much diversity in the way people think and do things? and u get frustated. i have.
i thought some more. maybe he ran out of patience. or maybe he lost the will to keep up with the demands of society (whatever that may be). or he just thought he might be better off contributing somewhere else, that's if, after all the exhaustion he still was able to muster enough strength to do something.
so i asked him, what do u think that?
i've seen and experienced it first hand. maybe u have also someway or another. if not you'll see.
i was starting to think maybe it was a product of him thinking to much about doing that. but maybe he wanted me to see that if u wanna do something, there's got to be a meaningful attachment, not just senseless helping around. so i thought of the many instances of mutuality that connected us in this aspect. true! there were numerous instances. and many of which i disliked the experiences. for they were attempts at futility, or u dont see the end of it, or you don;t see the point to it, or worse u get scolded for ur samaritan intentions. so i got it back to myself, i think too much sometimes too. if not good, then it's to my detriment. then i envision scenarios of pathological proportions and i snap back into the conversation.
so what did u do instead? i asked, now not out of curiosity but blantant pretence of wanting to know.
he said, i just helped myself.
bleargghh.
ok so that may not have been very helpful. but the point he was trying to make maybe was why spend so much time trying to impress upon other people ur virtues of goodness and need to outreach and stuff when u can spend the time showering urself knowledge, skills etc.
well i guessed this guy overlooked things a bit. for one i think there;s a lot to learn from helping others. also it fosters a healthy concept of altruism. imagine if everyone thought that they're better off somewhere else?
anyway enough already back to my point about being sicka and all that. yes being sick alters u, urself, physiologiccally and maybe mentally which is probably why i recalled unnecessary bits of memory unworthy of recall.
it's true that people value their lives more when they are sick but abuse health when they are not. and someone's got to be out there denouncing this health belief! if not the doctors then who?
then i question what's my calling? i don't know. like i alluded earlier in my entries i can't even imagine being a house officer running around. what more being an advocate?
but despite all the sickness and sickness-associated thoughts, life still goes on. there's a booksale at expo till the 9th! was there will candy not too long ago. ok maybe at 11 plus which was quite a while ago. anyway supposed to be back there later but i think i'm lazy. maybe tom.
ok time for medication (damn i sound like a filipino nurse!)... i'll be bak layterr (filipino accent..).
cheers!