Sunday, July 25, 2004

nature N value of Prayer

well i decided to write about this topic today in light of my recent misdemaenour i believe in the eyes of of many and possibly, God.  Being a paranoid freak who sometimes is in check of my mannerism, albeit a little too late at times, i think my current behaviour towards friends and family and even those of patients and colleagues reflect me in more ways than one. and of course there is someone to blame for that..nope! not my frens, not my family and definitely not God but me. cause in recent times i admit, i've been slacking in my spiritual obligations and one of which is of course my daily prayers which until now, i realised that without me having scrutinised it, would have been long been just another history in the life of me, Taufik. therefore it's not that i'm out here to explain why i slacken or being just plain lazy but more to like affirm the fact that prayer is indeed part and parcel of life...let's see where do i start... i always occur to me that whatever i type in this blog with regards to aspects of religion and stuff associated with it's principles and practice seems to be like an amatuer trying to write an academic paper per se, but hey i'll try to articulate my thoughts properly...sometimes if it doesn't mean a thing, it does NOT mean it doesn't mean anything..it's either 1) failure of understanding on the part of the reader and 2) failure of me dispensing my thoughts and/or message in a comprehensively understandable manner. that being said..i shall start....i don't know if it'l be long but lemme just get on with it....

first for starters,  a belief in God is the fundametal principle of almost every religion; nevertheless the object of religion is not simple to preach the doctrine of the existence of God as a theory; it goes far beyond that. i think religion seeks to instill the conviction or affirm that God is living force in the life of man; and prayer is the means by which it is sought to achieve this end. the real conviction that God is, comes to man, not by the belief taht there is a God in the outer world but by the realisation of the Divine within himself, and that this realisation is attained through, again, prayer. though to most pple, nowadays, the existence of God amounts to a little more thaj a theory, yet in every age and among every nation therehave been men who, through prayer, have realised the great truth of the Divine existence within their hearts, and have laid down their lives for the good of humanity. intheir case belief in the existence of God was a moral force which not only worked an enitre change in their own lives but also enabled them to transform the lives of the pple in their country and on a more impactful way, change the course of history of the pple and the nation. their selflessness and truthfulness were beyond reproach, and their testimony, which is really the testimony of all nations in all ages, establishes one fact; that the belief in teh existence of God becomes a moral force of the first magnitude when once it is realised in the herats of man through prayer to the Divine being, so great a moral force it is, that indeed, that even the most powerful material forces give way before it.
now the question comes from myself for myself.....why doesn't all these experiences of all these outstanding personality be a beacon light for myself? does it not show me that i can also make God a moral force in my life?
i was once said by an Indian Muslim scholar that, " The powers and faculties that are gievn to one man are also given to another, and through proper use one man can do what another, b4 him, has done"

again if apart from the experience of humanity that i and many others seek, and that if we consider the question rationally, prayer to God is a natural sequel of the acceptance, in theory, of the existence of God.  the aspiration to rise to moral greatness is implanted in human nature more deeply than even the aspiration to rise to material greatness; but i guess the only for that aspiration to be realised is to be in touch with the all-pervading Spirit of God, the fountain-head of purity and the source of highest morality, of guidance and of knowlegde, and prayer is BUT an attempt to reach Him.

that being said, and armed with the truth that practical manifestations of deeds bear more weight that just articulating them, i'll strive my best! period.

p.s. it's just one of those days that i decide to write on religious stuff, so don't mind me...gosh!

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

37

i think it's about time i named this blog something, kinda like the kittie from the diary of Anne Frank. i'll think about the name later cause right now there seems to be a lot on my mind.
my fear is that my brain is hypoxic due to 37 continuos waking up and that my altered circadian cycle could possibly have affected my cognitive ability or maybe accentuate it more. suddenly i feel like i'm able to think of numerous issues that pertain to daily aspects of my life, what i'm doing right, what i'm doing wrong and also made me more cognizantly cognizant of my spatial/temporal relationship with other pple. however at the same time  also i feel like a chicken half alive but almost dead kinda thing..ok nw i'm gibberishing! shit!
 
ok whatever, so actually i had hospital posting at night and went around looking at patients and the newly warded cases and so yeah, there were some good ones, some rejected ones and some impossible ones and not to forget some dead ones( died due to failure of intubation and resusitation man!). it was cool, i've never actually seen a hospital suite but hell yeah it's damn happening, but nah, the idea of being in a hospital is such a turnoff.... freak!i realised something during my rounds that doctors sometimes just whack their judgement and yes their true limitations will surface in times of emergencies and that that makes you thinking of whether u are prepared for the worse possible cases the medical world has got to offer and what will be ur response to such a situation..that's exactly my fear...i don't mind being challenged but testing my limits( aprreciate the difference) is a totally different thing....depending on the circumstances, my state of mind and emotional state at that mment.....there can be two-fold response.... u either make it or break it. one day, i'll bring myself to that test but now......i'll keep myself prepared!
 
on a totaly different note, everyone says i'm busy and that i also tell them i am busy and that neither one nor the other can go out and therefore it's been a long time since i've met up with my other frens cause i'm so committed to this dance thingy that aiyah...don't know lah...i like it so much! can't help i guess... ...but do keep myself updated though everyone is doing fine( duh! ) not that i expect them to be in hospital ya know but yeah..they're good. i'll have to make an effort to meet up wit them... ok dudes if u're reading this how bout ChaiChee? leapk with tea and fried rice sambal....slurp..dammit..feel like eating it now...
 
ok i shall not drag some more..i'm getting bored of the routine i'm having daily.
and yes, i want to get a motorbike soon, i was thinking of an X9 but obviously i received violent objections from my biker frens who thought that maybe i'd be better off with a Wave and some say i look like a Racer-Mat...and some added i can maneuvre the bike "skillfully" hahaha..... so if anyone has any suggestions on a good bike to get...tell me..i think...i'm open for considerations!
 
p.s. i think i'm getting pestky by the minute..cos i don't know why, i think i'm pissing everyone in more ways than one and that i'm freaking everyone out with i also don't know what...sheesh!! and some even think i'm gay!!  that's a sad testimonial man!! feels like i dont have frens who don't me well enuf to understand me.....
well enough whining...i've gt a report to write about....shit!
 

Monday, July 19, 2004

POP! Goes the weasel!!

i was woken up by the cathecolamines running in my veins and with the concomitant surge of adrenaline up my reticular activating system; i.e. woken up suddenly, to see the clock strike 1331 hrs on my clock. well as usual my hyper-anxious self would firstly get up and run thru my head the list of things to be done that day and well, it went fine until i realised that i had to get more than halfway round the island in the next hour.
so after morphing into spiderman with incontinence i rushed thru the numerous domestic tasks tht i had to cover b4 i actually get out of the house. As i was doing so, i thought "hey man what the fuck sia? why am i always like this gan cheong for( tensed up for no fapparent reason )?" until another tought occured to me, "hey u idiot u keep sayin taht all the time man! but u never did anything!! Bastard!!"
never b4 was the inner "me" so resounding that for once i told myself that's it!!... this is the last straw..i am gg to take oit cool no matter what..
so there i was strutting my stuff, making my brunch, breakng some eggs( DUh! who eats eggs for brunch!! of course i'm lying!) and well making meself a cuppa cereals to drink( another lie) and yes then slowly slough thru my tasks and got ready eventually...
until suddenly i realised i had like 45 minutes to get halfway round the island, and like my schizophrenic self almost put on the cockcroach custome with the hairy legs and all( eww!) and almost..i said almost made it for the door to the finishing line but NO!! my mind said.." you can do this fik..you can do this!!"
so there i am again, " yeah ok man..i've gotta be cool you know just take my time and read me book while i'm on the train and stuff like that and look at the birds fly by my bus/train window and appreciate the stillness of nature beneath the clear blue sky and the architectural beauty of the urban landscape that laid before my very eyes!"

and yes....fuck..yah ok so there i was almost reaching my destination with like 4kg of load with me( i was prepared to do my night call over at the university hospital and all) waiting there at the lift lobby at the void deck of my collueage's patient cause we were supposed to do a house visit regarding some patient's angina problem that's been confused with GERD. and yah so our reason was the just have a check up on the guy see how he's doing stuff like that...bla³...and yeah then i was waiting there already for about 30 minutes until my colleauge called me up and said," hey dude i'm sorry man, i didn;t get the car today so i changed the day of our visit to next friday. is that ok? i hope u're not there...(pant² + putting up and innocent accent) already...or are you? in any case i apologise ok? i really am sorry for not....(after this all i heard was bla³)...."

POP! Goes the weasel!!

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Insignificantly insignificant

ok surprisingly these past weeks have been long and draggy. since the appointment, lots of eventful events have occured, maybe not so eventful i'm just trying to practice alliteration, is that cool or what? huh? huh?..yeah..what!!
 
so where am i? like usual i'll start by rambling bout the various insignificantly insignificant things first like.. the time when i spotted a canary 2 days ago near me block, the day i saw a grandma chewing on condom,the day i saw pilipinos making a total mockery of themselvs thru animation, the day when humans themselves infuse doses of stoopidity into their maybe bird-brain filled vault, the day i saw 2 guys kissing at the back of the bus like nobody's business-  i mean it-, wait till the local mullah see them and go," Bla² bla² bla³.....", the day when i found a dead cat lying in the middle of the road with intestines laid out or rathr, splattered like omelette served with ketchup..eeewww, the day when i flashed my butt to the Mos burger counter due to severe itchiness in my bums that warrant a skin to skin contact scrathing..damn!, the day when the paths of 2 bitches crossed and i had to be there to observe the whole fiasco....but gladly made positive outcomes out of the whole bitchy( for lack of an aptly apt substitute ) episode, the day when i got pissed off with kids trying so hard to get attention( for God knows whatever reason) and yah yah..this could go on.......
 
on more seriously serious note:
actually there's nothing serious to talk about unless you want me to discuss patient issues that i come across during my rounds in the hospital and yeah...that's that and this this....yadda yadda
lalaalaa
wait..now that i've mntioned that, i feel like my life's like a freaking joke man...is it?
maybe i'm full of horse shit crap....maybe pple pass me off a MAt? shit!! getting paranoid now!..freak....MAt..that;s the ULTI-MAT( no pun intended, seriously) stereotype lah...
but thinking about it, i do have Mat features: here's the features
1. i'm Malay
2. i lepak
3. i drink lots of tea
4. i smoke
5. i laze like cows waiting for the next orgy
6. i ride the motorbike
7. i make fun of other peeps
8. i have MAt frens
9. Omigod i'm a MAt!! mat....
 
sigh...ok i'll input more soon....
damn..why ah?
 
 

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

rite?

Currently:
pissed at my mouse( the one attached to the PC...don't get the wrong idea and yes PC= personal computer and not personal crotch!) cause it's bloody heck of an asshole...never mind documenting it's deficiencies just adds to my aggravation and probably highlight the lame-ness or denigrade me further...so yes....(take a deep taichi-like breath) my life shall go on....yeah..now just typing this shit....probably for reasons that i myself can't find the words to justify and frankly....i'm having a trilemma or maybe a tetralemma now...shall i go to bed and sleep or do my project or figure out some choreography or do some weights training or find a journal article for my medical presentation....ok...i'll correct myself now...that makes it let's see..1 2 3 4 5 i.e. pentalemma! and yes, i'm concomitantly doing so many things at a time, my eyes going round like a chameleon and heart feels like loanshark knocking on the doors of money-lenders...LAME..
and the next that i would pronosticate would be the culmination of angst, frustration and/or lethargy that would manifest itself as verbal trashing of profanities at (mostly myself) anyone that gets in "the way". and by that i mean even the slightest of sound, or movement..and i'll just go *&^%$$*&#*...u get what i mean...or i'll just sleep in front of my computer waking to find red marks of square-shaped keyboard "scars" "imprinted" on my cheeks or nose!

earlier
ok..had fun dancing but nose was running like shit coming out of my ass except that i'm sniffing the mucus contents back in..for God knows what reasons...don't ask..i know it's disgusting but it's better than dripping it on you mouth and slurping it in like colourless tasteless caramel..(another yuck)..so yeah..progressed slowly probably caused by impendng constant wanting to shit feeling, or the fact that i'm suffering withdrawal syptoms of hypoglycemic attack or instead of making up more excuses, i'm plain lazy!! hahaha..actually no..just ran out of ideas lah.. no inspiration, no nothing! dope!!
in da day, met patients( again!! "yeah") and did the same of shit i.e. routine of history taking and examination...and tom it's back to the same old routine again....with of course more things to learn and more things to find out, more blood to withdraw and more intravenous plugs to set
i'm starting to wonder wheter the nurses there are better than i am- and not to mentipn some of them are hot-, in terms of rapport building with patients and practical skills,management and clinically oriented stuff. and when i think about that..i go," shit what's going on man!?"..determine to instill greater discipling the next time round but always losing that drive to improve....
i know this is a problem but i don't know why?..maybe i do and not doing anything about it? hhmmm....maybe i'm blinded by the Dark Side...
let's see..i'll probably have to sleep on that one...

well that's too mush thought for today.....
hope to spew more tom...
fuck!! what did i just say?

Sunday, July 04, 2004

03072004

as usual..i would type "reports" of my daily "routine" down here...hhmmm what did i do today...
ok basically i danced all day...themoment i woke up, grooving in public transport like human with monkey-like spasms and in fron tof the GYM..in the freaking gym and also b4 the show starts( warm up rite?)
ok so..we did a performance - for free- for the NUS alumni house earlier today and yes everything went smoothly and that the stage was good and all- we rarely get good stages- except for the fact that the audience were more socially inclined to talk( of course! after like 30 years of not meeting up!! why would they watch a bunch of undergrads doing hip hop..which can't/don't register in the cerebral centers of their disco/old school/80's-inspired brains!! ) amongst one another.so the funny thing was that during performnace....i even had the time to talk to friend, telling her that ppl erae not "watching us" cause i was so looking out for assuring faces, or head bopping pple or at least nodding....out there abd there were NONE..none! so sad but nevr mind at the end of the very brief performance, 8 minutes for 2 items...we were given the privilege of eating the catere food for FREE...and it was splendid....
and yeah..during the whole waiting and all, i had this other friend revising - not dance steps - but our criteria for teh ultimate sexual fantasy...which is from having sex with lesbians to having sex with lesbians from NUS ensemble( hahahha) i was laugbing like crazy but yeah there're HOT!! and later on after the pefrmance when all the dancers were leaving for home or whatever, this Friend of mine, while walking pass one of the ensemble girl, managed a "nice Shorts you have!!" instead of a "bye".....and he proudly did that again to the otehr one in similar attire!!
fuck! i was like this guy is crazy..i mean pple would say that but to thwmselves and not to those AROUND them!!

that's that!

as for my sprite competition at double O later on..it went quite well excluding the fact that my mates and i screwed up some steps!! hahaha but the dance had a story and i guess pple knew what it was about! kekeke...but tyah..didn't get to see the chestnut boys perform though..came in jst intime to see them finish! what a stupid name by the way...chestnts. liwei was telling the minahs were checking the guys out....and i was like.."dude!! DUH!!" how stoopid can one get....
other than stupid names and stupid remarks, the rest of the stuff went ok..and got to meet power 98 Djs, studio wu dancer and the many pple there..it was a great experience having performed there and just hoping to get into the finals on the 30th July...where else...Double O singapore!

(keeping fingers crossed!!)