i'm sitting here thinking about what i'm gonna do with my life. actually no tjust thinking but worrying. i mean do people worry too? or is this some kind of paranoia? i sit here and i wonder 5 years down the road, where i would be and what i'll be doing? ok maybe not that far. maybe even 2 years! i don't know....would i be living a routine? or an exciting adventurous life? would i still ride my RXZ or get a new bike? maybe a car even? would i decide to dance after graduation? would time be by my side? would UG still exist? would people now that u're so close to be like gebish-bam-boom snap snap blink blink go their separate ways? would i grow up to be a mature adult who rationalise rather than react by the moment kinda thing? or would i be responsible enough to undertake the multitude of responsibilities that adulthood entails? would i get married? that's too far.....have children? how many? will i have money? will i be happy-go-lucky? or a meticulous planner who organises his life to the point? would i still dance?! man......would i make for a good competent doctor? so many questions..ok now that they're coming out they starting to freak me hahaha....i mean people do think of the future right maybe not so detailed....but yah the impending future uncertainties surely warrant some pondering and thinking and planning even right? fail to plan plan to fail? right? ok yah lah i think there's just too much thinking now....anyway was reading an interesting article in library just now about personality disorders and how they arise and how people with such disorders are the way they are and what are the treatment options...ok they cited two types of personlaity disorders one was borderline and the other anti-social personality disorder. yeah so these people got issues...and they usually according to American Journal of Psychiatry have this thing called the inability to mentalize which is to create a perception of reality other than reality itself and they belief in that perception of theirs with so much conviction that they restritct the possibility of other perceptions or interpretration of that reality and it makes hard for psychiatrists to engage them in psychotherapy cause they are not in a reflective state where they acknowledge differential view points, which maybe why these people end up being so histrionic or criminals at the end of the day....so what's the relevance? yeah sometimes people come to conclude what they perceive through their limited senses ( i use limited here to highlight the imperfections of our senses or even if the perception is accurately caught, it's interpretation would differ differentially principally cause different people have different levels of deliberating, cerebrating, managing perceptions, and coming to conclusions) based on one perception and they stick to that perceived reality of theirs such that they do not allow other possible scenario for what they saw....this can lead to miscommunication between parties for whatever reason..even though humans generally do not have personality problems but seem to have anyway..okok..the criteria for personality d/o is strict (don't go asking me wht it is! refer to Psychiatric DSM IV claasification). so enough bout that already....
it seems also that my lameness and bitching have been on the rise lately like to the point where even an innocent ant (who probably puts on a deaf ear) becomes victim to the merciless creature i call Taufik's tongue. this has got to be reduced (notice i didn;t use stop) gradually man.i need feedback people!! like positive negative ones etc. for example i told celia to slap my face ( i mean not so hard) as a deterrent for not heralding bitchy remarks. anyway it's freaky come to think of it. my brain or mind or something in my skull's wired such that it reacts! and there's this cerebral-pharyngeeal connection/association that i can;t explain but it happens u know....the model for it;s functioning works something like this...
someone says something --> goes to the brain --> SUBCONCIOUSLY think of something NASTY to say --> mouth says it...you see i'm not invlved in this pathway..so the next time u think i'm being nasty...i can't help it really.....sobzzz...( teh doctor said so..;p)
feelin tired nowadays..like aching and being lethargic all that..maybe cause i didn;t dance for one day. could that be it? dance-withdrawal syndrome characterised by body aches, pains, agitation, the need to move and PMS-like symptoms!! man.. i could call that Taufik's Syndrome..got a condition named after me....haha...ok now lets not dream ok.....
right we had this malaysian trip early in the week tuesday on the 7thjune and it was like my first time since a long time can? the last time was like 14 years ago can..when mommy held my hands so tight my bones almost cracked...and we got chased out of the restorant - by my dad- for not wanting to eat seafood!! man...bad/sad memories....and with the advent of digital camera all the more crazy we got.....keep taking pictures of nonsense stuff! and of people with nonsensical faces...
ahmad, rozana and myself were speaking malay, which of course was weird and all..we even deliberated what to say b4 we ordered food can? and ahmad;s malay cannot make it!!!i think next birthday present we give him money bring him to the SIR and change his name can!!?? actaully the trip would have been better if we hanged out till late night and have dinner by the road side and risk food poisoning and all ( but next week shaun goin leh..so i doubt we'll be eating anywhere OUTDOORS). watched the interpreter and was thinking maybe next time after i improve my french then i can migrate to Geneva,Switzrland and work for WHO, lepak everyday with the French and Swiss and eat French loaf and delifrance and savour SWiss chocolates till i die of obesity and cardiovascular diseases or even choking....drink evian mineral water from the river itself and grow old with my wife and kids and...okok too much already.....see lah..dream some more...
anyway..yah we're gg again to catch the SMITHs', heard it's good and all haha....and gonna eat and go....S-h-o-p-p-i-n-g!!!! cheap cheap cheap.....(bird sounds) ok lame!!!
still dancing and reading and reading and thinking of poems..not very productive nowadays guess i'm held down by too many stuff....not getting inspiration man...
inspiration is like a dove
that flew away on the ice cold winter..ok whatever.......aarrgghhh

books of the moment: to kill a mockingbird-harper lee and Nelson's textbook of paediatrics 4th edition.
song of the moment: parking lot pimp- blow