uncertainties exposed

ok it's four now and that anoxic part of my brain is making me doing this. i can say i expect nothing much can come out of this entry. so for those who have nothing to do, do as you please the rest have been advised against unnecessary labour. nowadays my thoughts are filled with things that are certain and those uncertain. like the certainty of death and what it means and the uncertainties of life and what my presuppositions about it are and what it betokens. say now everyday i walk onestep closer to death and of course to calf pain, possibile varicosity but the point is from now to the end what is it that is going to fill up the things in between, love, anger, sorrow, pain, torture, ignorance and bliss, tragedy, faith, hope? there's so many things to feel and experience but in my mind and heart i believe in one thing that is purpose, i'm supposed to know am i? but what is it that i'm required i can't actually point a finger to it. seems less likely that i find that out soon. see i think, the more i keep pondering about this endlessness, and the more i try to define it the more i confused i get. a lot of things to me appear intangible, physically. maybe i demand too much from myself and from the dynamics of this macrocosm. so i do what i think people do, either let live and pretend nothings all the matter or in acknowledge that uncertainty, inhale exhale, pray for guidance and grace and prevail, and after all that still end up in uncertainty. like trying to escape only to end up in another loop of entanglement. so how now? maybe finding that certainty means something else. maybe it means finding love first before finding significance, maybe even a hint that can lead to something greater. maybe it means moving along go on the blink getting into mother of all funks before stumbling upon the veritable! maybe it connotes acknowledgement, affirmation, acceptance, then in fascination, gravitate to my self-evident axiom, who knows? and i know. i make it sound as if knowing the uncertain is the only means of knowing what becomes of me when everything comes to an end. but isn't there some truth to that cerebration? that one need some kind of certainty even if u think some things are the way the are or brushing it as it's written in the stars or predestination already fixed what is doubtful to you? i know despite a certain finalty and between now and the end lies the questionable uncertain, that i am to walk the path, what i stumble upon i can pick it up use it or throw it away and those choices i made all being a product of my own judgement. the problem lies now with innumerable conception masquerading as definite wisdom.