Trust: Confident expectation
why has someone got to earn it?
can't we just trust?
like how would you come to a point of realisation that "hey, i can trust him/her" or when? and after you established that, how do u maintain it? and when do you know that you can't give that person your trust anymore?
the thing is what i personally feel is that although u can't trust everyone, i also do belief that you don't have to have strong convictions on the reliabiity, or strengths of pple or things. we trust pple everyday, in our daily routine or adventures, we're just unaware of it!! i think it gets all worked up when the possibility of getting hurt or inflicted, by pple whom you 'trust', comes to the picture. but hey, the purpose of this life, for some at least, is to learn to be better pple through experiences. and what better way to learn if not going out and meeting pple and get free lessons of "self-building",through human-human interaction.
yes it may hurt to trust certain pple, but wouldn't it hurt more not to use that trust given to you to be given to someone else? think about it......

Depressed
Happy
Angry
frustrated
Whiny
Stressed
Happy
Relieved
Frightened
Carefree
Delirious
Bitchy
Heavy
Boredom
All in a Days'
work!

that exam feeling is back...and i hear lamentations from everyone! like hello i have my problems to think about, so when i say," oh what's wrong wit you?" or "what's been bothering you lately?need to talk?"... i don't actually freakin mean it! I mean it!! at least wait till this period kind of subsides.... lesson learnt? always, read pple's undertones!! you'll be more "sensitive" tat way..

as for now... exams will be exams...hmm....not that i'm lamenting......ciao!!

i don't like to hang out but i do it often.....i love to read but i seem to stray away from the habit of doing so....i hate hypocrites but at the back of the mind, my brain seems to be on this runaway mode, somehow trying to find situations to justify my affiliation to that identity.....hhmm..how come i seem to be manifesting practises opposite of my intentions....sigh* do i reeeeaaaalllyyyy have to think about that?

we all know the terrorist thing is getting a bit out of hand, well not a bit- a lot. We see the IRA, the ETA, the Al-qaeda etc2. well the thing about these pple is that they fight for their political agenda to get thru, to be heard. nowadays their political movements seem to be obscured by the atrocities that these very groups resort to! And what's worse, they seem to enjoy it and it keeps going on and on! and i thought terrorism was all about, 'kidnapping a few pple n holding them hostage, to get pple to listen to their plight, to get attention' but no!! attention-grabbing takes a totally different course these days, where possibly, killing more equates to 'more punishment for the infidels', at least that's what the Al-qaedans subscribe to! anyway, these 'muslim terrorists' are indeed tarnishing the image of many moderate muslims the world throughout and yeah, again post-september 11 n the recent Spanish 3/11, this small yet i think representative voice shall declare tht we muslims don't live by such distorted ideals. and yes i certainly belief that in this century, we can't just count on tolerance for one another in religious terms and what have nots but an all-encompassing mutual respect for humanity, regardless! Cheers, to a better world and a better "security", whatever that means!!

chilli padi - one of the heavenly earthly food.....
got this thing for 'em..it's just amazing how such a small red thing can change the colour of ur stools from brown to brown with a tinge of red i,e bloody and how it gives that transient, spicy, hot but damn satisfying burning feeling on ur tongue and lips whenever u chew them, and the tingling heaty sensation you feel within ur stomach after digesting 'em...
they're 'bad'!!
you know some malays have this practice of stuffing chillis into their kids' mouth when they're rude to their parents, well rude verbally at least.....
well, when i was younger my mom used to do that to me..which could have precipitated my liking..... now when she threatens to do that to me i say, 'bring them on'.... haha

Dilemma of a Muslim Modernist.
people strive to be good, in many ways, i their own terms. well i want to be good too, in fact i strive to be best in what i do. but @ times how i get to that point may not be a result or a reflection of the means of getting there, the way that i want it. lost? i think i am too. basically i'm trying to say that, at least for my case in point, that the way i lead my life, in many aspects of it, may not mirror my muslim-identity but more that of a modern-day living entity. see the problem i see with being a 'muslim modernist' is, really, to reconcile the 2 'possibly antagonistic' ( some might disagree ) terms. not that it is impossible, i mean i've thought of many ways and instances of living up to that identity, but it'll need lots of personal development upgrading! like you have to equip yourself with knowledge of religion, in addition to the aspects of secularist, ok modern..., life...
however the reality for some of us is that we find one of the two particularly influential... to point where it becomes a way of living. and that way of living for so many is so ingrained that when it comes to letting go some of the 'more important' aspects of it, they become fearful and the lumrah(as the malays would say meaning nature) of man is to exact a compensatory reaction, with exceptions. few examples would be the rise of Sufism possibly a rxn due to the politicisation of Islam, the rise of fundamentalism and neofundamentalism after the so called "imprisonment of ijtihad" and we see the neo-revivalist movements of Khomeini, Muslim brotherhood and nation of islam and the list goes on ( however not exclusive to islam alone).
as mentioned, it's hard to let go what more change. it's hard to convince people that their ideology is wrong and that yours is correct. the only way is for pple to be convinced themselves when they see, hear,do and experience! so maybe i'm not there yet. and yeah maybe i think it's hard to change or maybe i don't want to change cause i love what i've been doing all along or maybe... i'm not guided, have not seen the true light at the end of the 'tunnel', what have nots. i want to know more, but i've no time and no means. maybe the reason why my muslim-modernist self isn't showing is cos i don't know enough to know what 'right' things i should be doing, or even if i do, how am i suppose to apply them to this extremely powerful force we call modernity. i don't know..i'll have to wait and see. in the mean time i shan't be a prisoner of my so called personal ideologies and be more receptive of what others have to say with regards to this 'identity crisis' of mine and hopefully through that i hope to be able to rethink,reconsider, re-evaluate, relinquish and reconcile (what do ya know the 5Rs!!) my stand!

dance!! i'm so impassioned with this art-form, that sometimes i find myself hard to focus on other things! u must be wondering like c'mon...u mean those things pple do in club? like those drunkards grinding their A*&es and D$#@s whenever they're out partyng at the beach? who would ever thought that this dance bitch could be so...well, brain-matter consuming? actually, i've exaggerated. but yeah @ times u dream of becoming like this mega-famous dancer and that u dream pple watching u and shout out, "Go Taufeek Go Taufeek!!", and yeah that's where u get hyped up for a moment and later take the totally reverse direction, 'that's NOT going to happen like hello??..!!! can't u freaking see -00-!!" that's the moment when mr. depression pays u a visit and yeah like many depressives, ur mood goes for a dive and takes u along wit it..and the worst part......this feeling is absolutely unnecessary and by the time u realise that it's already been 4 hrs or more(sometimes)... apart from these transient 'attacks', the whole dnce thing isn't that bad...
now why dance? cause it allows u to express urself in many ways than 1.bla bla bla........when u doing it it feels like, i quote a phrase from Billy Elliot," ....like electricity...yeah...electricity...!" and u feel so disconnected from the world that for tht dancing moment u feel.." wow....this space where i'm dancing here is mine and mine alone! that it is with this space that i let the emotions emanate, like the sweat that flies out from my, well...sweat-ridden shirt, except that it ain't that disgusting.... and that's what i like about it all, 'All for that moment!!"
the downside to it is that if ur dance technique ain't there and that ur 'style' ain't there or if that 'pow!!' (as my choreographer would "aptly" phrase it), then THAT moment that u seek wouldn't be so liberating when it eventually comes to you.... cause u'll feel self- concious like am i doing it right? or is this the right way to go about doin it and all?
the thing is dancers have this problem, even when they are performing (speaking from xperience ;p) like at times they don't seem to know when they're ever right. and tat's one obstacle that yeah, one's gotta hurdle over to be perfect.... and many more, like technique,expression etc, which i really wouldn't waste my time elaborating. so leave it as it is...@ the end of da day, what can we learn out of all this personally-tainted-BS that i've been painting?
what i see is a motivation towards the betterment of my interest, not just plain bitching!! aha!! and at the same time, identifying ur weaknesses and ya know, work ur way through it one-by-one.....damn i'm good!!

well, what i learned today. lots actually, it;s just that i have a problem organising my thoughts. always been having that problem, what do u reckon i do about it? hhmm, like it makes me sound like a disorganised freak and what's worse! i'm aware of it but i can't do anything about it. Shit! there i go again...ok so where was i?
oh yes. as i was saying, i was reading some stuff on secularism and secularisation. i found out about the impact of france's secularist movement on it's contemporary society and how that possibly freaking translate to their amendment to ban religious symbol.... i'm not writing about tht cause i'll leave it to ur enquiring minds to have a read on that topic. what i am more concerned is the impact of such a movement? could it be a knee - jerk reaction to what's going on in the world today? or could it be out of fear? whatever it is, such swift enforcements could u know, do the reverse of what they seek to frweaking do in the first place.... so have we really2 thought of the consequences, or do we need more time?
like this can cause more of these religious groups to get together and become a community rather than the secularist idea of the individual-state relationship, forgive me if i'm wrong. and from here all the problems arise bla3..u get the picture!
so what do i think? i think that radical legislation like this shit, isn't going to solve any problems, the oonly way about it is to really sit down and talk and get pple to understand other's better, be it religion or culture cause essentially if u remove that element of 'mysticism' and fear, you (DUH!) generate trust and that well no matter how the world freaking spins or how many bombs blow or buildings brought to the ground, u can proudly say that 'hey this ain't my people cause i know and i trust that they (well @ least most of them) won't do this kinda s^&%'.
the world would be a better place, wouldn't it?