was talking to some relative bout tracing one's roots and i realised that maybe i should. my dad was the only kid and i noe no nuts bout his real family. he used to stay in one part of the country where he made lots of close frens and they become adopted relatives. and my dad used to be malaysian. he was a PR then was naturalised singaporean. how cool is that. and i recalled my mom saying tht he has relatives back in malacca, where he was from and he brought his mom here to stay with him and therefore us. she was and still is my favourite caregiver. and maybe finding n loving these people whom she used to live is something tht she wanted me to do. she's a Bugis by race, and she spoke and wrote Bugis (not sure about the writing part). and i recall she speaking words from this language to me back in the distant past. and mayb finding these relatives would be doing her a favor. maybe if she were still alive, she would have brought me to malaysia- when i get a bit older and when she had the money- to showed me off to her sisters and nieces and nephews. maybe she wanted to do that. just now, one of my relatives was telling me tht my father's cousin was still alive and that he was around my dad's age, which now would be 61. and said he looks like my dad. cool isn't it. i will go to malacca one day. soon. Allah bless.

i got myself a bit of diarrhea yesterday. imagine crapping 14 times 1 night and 4 times the next morning, only to go to the doctor feeling better. but got medication and it was free. both the medication and the consultation. no no. not the yih doc.it's the gp downstairs. cause he knows my mom and know me as a medical student. that's freaky eh? but it's still free. i cant recall what i ate though. must have been someone spiking my drink cause i remembered placing my water bottle on my motor bike basket w/o attending to it until 3 hrs later, by the time, endless possible events could have taken place. and i drank it all. or the food at the houseman canteen. i dont care. feeling better now is good. i always think as sickness as some form of weakness, however perverse tha may sound. like u ar not trying hard enough to overcome some biological malfunction or physiological glitch that's going on somewhere inside u. and this time it sucked. i have to admit that though i think that way, somehow, ironically i'm the exact opposite when i'm sick, like when it gets bad, every ounce of tenderness is a one ton elephant stepping on my heart (u know what i mean--> freak that was a bad one!). and with my negtive personality and fatalistic attitude, i tend to aggravate 'minor' ailments and wonder about the gravets of prognosis, like every damn thing associated with the diseased organ is a possibility- the worse the more possible.
medical school doesnt seem to help educate me in this aspect. it freaks me out even more. the more u know, the more u know what u're likely to die from.
sometimes i wonder wat doctorsdie from. someone should study this eh? it'll be intersting to find out.

this sucks. the feeling that u are going to be doomed. exams and depressing moods. i can never be ready for the exams, no matter how much i study. and when i think about that, other feelings start kicking in, feelings of uncertainty about medicine and whether i really wanna do that stuff. well i don't know, sometimes these feelngs come and go and u get over it after a while but this one, it just lingers. i feel like prescribing myself prozac right now. and i dont know how many other people out there are suffering as much as i am as a final yr med sch student.
maybe it's the no time to celebrate joyous occasion or too much celebrtion causing guilt and self inflicted pain and depression or maybe just really no time to cover ecerything u're supposed to cover.
there's that empty feeling again....
help!

tired and stress

when u have nothing to do and u have a macbook and in macs, there's just one thing to do when u're stressed out- take photos. here's what we did.

i jsut finished watching two episodes of grey's anatomy and well, though it was a bit exaggerting, i guess i did inspire me, abit to do what i am supposed to do as an intern(house officer for the British trained). like tons of administration, doing plug setting and blood taking and cultures and ordering medications you don't even know for what. u just take the medication chart and just write down everything the consultant says. never mind what the heck the drug is for. but hey, u have be a doctor to prescribe it and what better way to abuse an intern, who by the way is a doctor and can write and has like tons of other mindless jobs to do. like follow a patient down to the radiology department 1km away, wait for him or her to take a CT scan and walk 1km back. i'm not complaining, people's lives are at risk here and someone's gotta do it. so here we are doing it. it's just a preview of what i am going to be doing. although i do not know what i am supposed to be doing. after 2 weeks of internship, i am still clueless. never mind that finals are coming in like 4 or 5 months time, someone's gotta do the shit work. and there is just no point giving anyone senior ur i'm-sick-of-this-shit face cause there're just going to give u back their i've-been-there-done-that-look-and-u're-hopeless face. so i just swallow..i'm going to be in that shit hole for the next 1 week and i'm taking a day off. just to say that i have an appointment and i will make an appointment! whatever. maybe it'll be a shopping appointment. and the week after, i'm just praying that i transfer to a ward where the patient turn over is slower and u r not expected to know patient's like ur freaking underwear. on the other hand, it does give u a sense of being resonsible to ur patients and what their problems are.if u manage to stay with them after rounds and all tat, and if u have time-really- u'll find out a lot of things about people and u meet different kinds of people. arrogant poodles, shy mice, mad hatters and whiny chihuahuas u know wat i mean.
i'm struggling to study and work at the same time. and it doesn't help tha tutors are breathing down ur necks and are expecting u to grow exponentially without having giving u the chance to experience it. i mean yes, in reality there's no such thing. and i know that. sometimes i wish i was a ice kacang seller or something.....and speaking of which i am craving for a cup of chendol.

p.s: u hate being a doctor and u wish u hadn't learn medicine when u make mistakes, mistakes that u noe shouldn't have been done in the first place cause u know u can avoid it but u just forgot about it.....and it makes u wonder why the heck do know so much but can do so little sometimes.....