a week in ABCs

a week of lameness. practice practice for Puwei and SM Goh show. Musical choreo progress impeded. Break the shit outta my legs. Stunts were cool, more like a freak show. Meetings and reports. Stoopid CDRs and ATM machines. Impossible tasks. Too much centennial. Lack of sleep. Clean freak! Stop.
i'm in darkness though it's 6pm
u think about something and u wanna write it down
but u can't find the words to describe it
then u look around for an inspiration
a spark that will ignite that power
then u take the easy out by starting sentences, or part of it, with letters of the aphabet about how u would describe the past week.
Although it sucks, we da Fuzion Funkasauruses still have to do it again and again and
Better keep it neat till like next week when we
C one another. So Patrick's got this new hairdo whch aparrently looks like Snoop
Dog and everyone's reaction was either a woah.., what the heck, nothin or
Ewww....haha..and i've been so indulging in the
Fucking report..oklah not that it's bad but it seems like it's
Going to drag for quite some time.
However the many drafts and versions got approval and
It is looking good despite not doing anything clinically related i hope the
Journal accepts it. Troublesome all the language all. On tuesday there was the
Kiss-my-ass nipple incident. the black guy must have thought we're a bunch of
Lame gay freaks trying to get one another;s attention
Maggot jokes and Water-hell shitz at Simpang and baby roaches in LIME
NOT acceptable man...anyway rozana's seems to have some problem everythng's like
Over the top for her well we as
Prens encourage the dyeing of blond hair but some were against it and that drama
Queen was like rolling eyes, like Celia and michelle, Ahmad and Hngxuan..man...eye rollers.
Recently we've been out and about with costume party plans. bujang lapoks and
Swamp thingys and many others but majority of
The Blast! people are going as something i guess...was it Xiufen or Yifan who wanted to be the
Ultimately lame euphemism for being absent ie. invisible man!! MAn......
Very Lame or
What..........................speaking of which
Xiufen's froever gettiin into free shows that girl!!! Not fair
Y is it that i think everything about this week isn't in here? the letters' exhausted anyway. time to sleep
ZZZzzzzZZZ

ok i'm not doing any electives. i'm like just doin the internal med reposting and finishing my urop. and my muscles been aching. esp the quads. maybe cause i didn't stretch during pat's class on wednesday. and maybe cause i've been doin too much physical. ahem. yeah so it seems like pat's been like teaching us so many steps nowadays i mean what's up with that. ntu's dc been complainin too. like ok. so maybe cause he wants to finish the songs quickly. maybe cause he wants to train or stamina and get us up and improving? maybe maybe he wants us to be able to catch steps fast and work on our grooves and styles. maybe maybe maybe. but pat's unpredictable sometimes..like can get cranky from one moment and so happy the next but i think despite his temperaments, he makes for a great choreographer/dancer/teacher with all his individual subtleties. and i guess he expects a lot from Blast! like maybe he wants us to Blast! over the roof or something and rocket to greater heights. and i think his work paid off like people in Blast! have been improving like ok don't mention names...and one thing i think they need to work on is their expression like people looking like horses or camels halfway through the sahara. i mean c'mon..even if u're there i'm sure u'll be glad to noe that an oasis beckons right right? keep asking them to smile and smile and smile.
just now had dance rehearsal at AS7, the cleaning uncle called me Mat Bob..cause he says i have big bob hair..i don't know whether to cry or laugh. it went something like this
U:wah siang dah datang sini mat
T:Ah ah cik biasalah ada practice
U:tinggal maner mat?
T:tampines chik
U:jauhnyer mat...pagi pagi dah sampai hah...rambut pun macam mat bob
T:(what the heck!!) mat bob?
U:takde rambut awak macam besar gitu
T:(arrgghh..okok desperate to change topic and making s-face) chik kat sini ader aper ni chik
U:oh ni hah..aper ni...open house lah pakcik pun tahu dorang bilang chik suruh mop...late notice
T:(still sore) hmm ok lah chi terima kasih eh....
man he was nasty though he was nice and all. is he angry at the management who informed him last minute that he had to call me mat bob? untenable!! never mind. so there was the AS7 @ 8am in the morning story and the medicne peeps were like going to start practice when some prof from the european studies department was bitchin bout he giving us till ten and "that's it" and lecturing us on the prohibition of usage of the premises for purposes that are non-academically related. then we migrated to TH. man that place is one oven! everybody was roasting and there were like dirt things on the floor and some even suggested bringing cholrhexidine to clean the place (roll eye! man where do they get this people) and the funny part of the dance at one point we were doing the steps with the music everyone started screamin...girls:aaarrrgggghhh..aaarrggghhhh and the GUYS: aaaaHHhhhhHHhh(deep tone) an di'm at the front dancing and thinking what the heck is gg on. i turned back. they were ducking a butterfly! i rolled my eyes again. bitchy or what. so yeah again these people when they don't dance they yack yack about everything. and when they do..they give me the "i-wanna-melt-into-the-floor" look or the "somebody-sedate-me-i'm-dying-trying-to-keep-up" look. very funny. so being me try to make all the lame jokes trying to make the oven more bearable. now the trainings more intensive. includes weekday nights man! after that went central ibrary to sleep and read some books. they have such a good collection of french books there and all this while i've been gettin them from Kino....pocket burning japanese freaks! ok kidding. don't kamikaze me now..relax. in the evening watch star wars. man yoda rocks he's got arthritis and still lightsabering and 800yrs old and still wise. right but it was sad though some parts. really made you ponder bout the realities and philosophy of life. rating: 4.5/5 for the visuals!
then dying to lepak but no one replied i was like man.....REJECTED...
Ug steps..a lot to remember and i liked the locking stuff eh did and the canon thing so complicated but it was supposed to be easy for me cause i'm starting first but i can'tr help but notice th eothers behind me doing stuff at counts later than mine, hence the konpusion.
so many dance things coming up the week ahead. break! passion! puwei! SM! centennial! medicine! breathe breathe breathe! reports! breathe! breathe! breathe!
i just found out that alot of weird people like public health and intending to do it next time as a specialty. like derrick lian, shiming and gang and others... like daniel pang also...what's up wit dancers and public health. maybe cause we find simlarity in public health and dance, we like the big picture!

ok here's a little poem:

fish scent and fish platter
on the dish of disgust and deep
throat emetic-inducing
abhorrency as the verbal invitation
assaulted my ears, the labyrinthine
routes it took before registering
lucidly, and distinctly
"have u eaten?"
i would live in plastic!!

0300

Suicide Note

The concrete;
s-i-x storeys below
invited me to

k

i

s

s

it.

24hrs in KE7

With apprehension I traversed
the terrains of umfamiliarity
welcomed by faces mutually
perplexed, ungreeting, awkward.
To the left silhouette of
architectural polarity, to the right
portraits of side profiles superposed
on a bright yellow background, as I
paced along towards far away
seclusion in tandem.
Oh, the aura gets to me, the
domicillary discomfort, the
pondering of gestures undefined; uninterpretated
the scent of odour tainted
timber, un-varnished, vanished.
Pen clicks, trench mending and
frequent lateral gazes at apparent
coldness of warm occupancy.
An introduction and 3 hours of
conclave-like passivity, I sit,
chest against a blunt edge, eyes
transfixed, pen empowered but my mind
floats away with the uninterrupted
silence of this cool April night.

25.04.05

0142

Initially the boredom gets to

me and I fidget trying to

brush it off me from its

clinging to my stripes.

But I grow quiet and

tired of things that are

relentless to effort, to

desires that

overtakes your quest for

resistance.

I thought temptation is

resistable, alas!

to have found profound truth

underlying such premature proclamation.

I exclaim in lawful

prejudice; discrimination? what

has that got to do with anything?

wait....

Have my thoughts left me?

Is that why boredom expands

in this vacuum of my isolated

personality?

I raise questions but

darkness in my head makes light

fade into oblivion..

I picked up the phone

and asked my mother this

"Is fragility a terracotta cup? or is

it a lonely heart sensitized, cursed?"

Everything but the resilient spirit...

25.04.05

2245

dance and choreography

Dancing.
Loving, fighting, seducing and kissing. cleaning,undressing,
hiding. Laughing, crying and smiling.
Pulling hair, licking, holding. Twisting a tie,laying, meeting.
Grabing reality feeling it with both hands to understand and see
it, to understand and observe myself. The desire to get closer
and closer to reality, i chose to live it
through dance

"i peel off reality in order to get a taste of every single layer"

and delve into every memory of
the body in order to catch reality alive.
Because here
reality is not the matter or subject
but also a container
full of stories, experiences
full of feelings and emotions.

"in the creation when you find that movement is true,
it can reveal some sort of evidence, whose subtleness and nuance
or strength beyond explanation"

Carnal emotion
organic trance
rhythimcal tempest
propulsions in gust
as if suspended on shoes by the bed
the dancer throws himself headlong in order to
capture true emotion.
Bodies become what they are doing.

taking time. challenging oneself
searching, experimenting, testing
trying again and again and again
he comments and gives direction

"here, there's a physical quality that
needs to be found, out of which emotion
will arise. no need to push it!"

"don'think about how it looks,
but how it feels..."

"keep surprising yourself.."

"Let things happen"

"Expressing is not describing"

if a dancer "tells" an interesting story
in a slightly different way
for instance taking or
smoking a cigarette, exaggerating,
staying still:

"try to pull, stretch the reality"

if reality is intangible
and perception becomes a burden
why then?
while the nest of events take place
i try to create meaning
i try to work on my reality
but i have a dreamlike relationship
i like it when the the world makes me see ghosts
oh yes yes
and it has the ability to take me to a strange universe
without actually taking me away...

i'm naked, cold air and eyes stabbing
piercing my skin
cross-legged and indifferent
i express
this longing
water, wind, fire and plates smashing into pieces
real elements connect the audience

"le spectacle est essential aussi
sinon on ecrit unbouquin"
(performing is essential too,
otherwise you [go] write a book).

what my mother didn't say....

it's nights like this where
i unleash the white tiger
to prowl around flirtatious western
palaces; inside where nugatory
dreams materialise where
promises of asylum to sanity portents
a penetration more grievious than
the anchoring of barb wires by
acts of violent paroxyms.
eyes, ears and nose in harmony
the moat, the cricket and zephyr in
passive yet active reconcilation
in this external sanctuary.
nowhere exists
i'm in the middle of nowhere
forward foreign
backward a greenhorn civvie
no leads no roads no hints to
the slight sanguineness.
i envy the birds flying free
in their Aves-like parlance in momentous
pendulosity; no physical impediment
no mental barricade
in the celestial sphere.
here i still scrutinize the walls
my soul drained in it's entirety.

MedStudentLIFE1.1

people in medicine have a wide range of behaviour from the super mugger balls to the super lepakosauruses... and today was the day i had an overdose of close encounters from the 2 extremes. man..first in da morning dan early we had like practice for the dance thingy and like i'm brain dead and supposed to like choreo with steph who i think did a great job with improvisation. i hope the whole thing will turn presentable and i respect the principals man R-E-S-P-E-C-T man!! i mean it's really crazy to go dancing singing and acting all at one shot and in such short period of time practising and all. so we'll have to see how it goes along then. like you know try not have HImalayan visions and try to stay rooted to the reality of everyday medical student circumstances, more aptly predicament! but the main thing that struck me was teh fact that this production was supposed to be like a collective effort of M1s to M5s but apparently, the different batches of students have their own reasons for not making themselves involved in this. like M1s are gg to do float. like heck? i mean we stopped doing float since a long time ago but now doing it again? and i thought medical students prioritise mugging? somethings wrong somewhere but i guess it sort of beckons change and i welcome it whole heartedly, despite not supporting the idea of having floats and presentations and stuff( waste of time don't u think), i think that it helps foster ties through collective involvement. this is no mission nor vision but a statement of intend. what do i intend to see? return to the 60s, 70s and 80s, where most of our professors seem to be STILL living in, i won't mention any names. like back then medical school life seem to have that something more than just facts for filling up the brain. of course i can't deny change, the rapid progress of medicine and the need to be updated translates into immersion of these integrals into the essentials, which undeniably increase workload. but i also can't help but compare the social aspect of it. i mean whatever happened to good old boozing at tanjong rhu, lepak sessions at KE7 and multiple other "atrocities" that medical stdents do? like sometimes the demands of curriculum and the scarcity of time contributes to that diminishing social supplementaries that are supposed to keep us sane and safe! like how hard it was to my bunch of hommies, jega, cheok,ramesh,rakesh,adib and ashok out after like so long we've seen one another in the lecture theatre and the net. this is the social light for me at least when it comes to med sch life, man...maybe we should choose similar postings. then shiok only..lepak lepak lepak....change the system..free the slaves of the system ok right..............nevr mind.starting to sound like star wars....
yep Raksh is forever making fun of jega, and jega would herald back all possile counters and followed by a repeated cycle of rakesh brandishing profanities (out of afection...aaaww...RIGHT) like a sword slitting the throat albeit a gentle stroke, just to release epinephrine for that extra hypermetabolic stimuli that would generate a response in accordance to Newton's 3rd LAW. haha! and the 4 rest would just like watch Itchy and Scratchy struttin their stuff haha..what a sight it's like sit down comedy at Middle Rd and it's free..for all patrons who happen to be within the sphere of audible overt display of exasperate paroxsyms. but it was fun from Zam2 to Coffee Shop to another coffee shop, just talked and talked and talked and caught up with so many other aspects of one another's personal life, bitchng bout Tutors, tinkering with the prospect of specializing one day (still true to PUBLIC HEALTH, the rest concur unanimously), how Biochemistry ruin our lives and wasted precious time, how sex was taboo and how to honour ur Indian bros when lepaking with them, how not to talk much and do little or sound asif u talk none and do all, how u portray oneself as a physician in training,etc. But all medically related never mind lah cut some slack that's what their lives are about now anyway, though Jega n myself were at the verge of hypoxia and somnelence. all in all i thought tonight we had a heck of a good time, maybe should go clubbing one day, haha.....that'll be fun think. these people are the rare breed the antihistrionic type A medical student prototypes that are in danger of extinction! Help us anyone, save u wanna let people like A and C and S (names hve been abbreviated to protect their identities) take over the system. NO Freaking Way!!

anyone has got great ideas on making it to the top of the ladder other than dedication, passion, resolve and bootlicking?

uncertainties exposed

ok it's four now and that anoxic part of my brain is making me doing this. i can say i expect nothing much can come out of this entry. so for those who have nothing to do, do as you please the rest have been advised against unnecessary labour. nowadays my thoughts are filled with things that are certain and those uncertain. like the certainty of death and what it means and the uncertainties of life and what my presuppositions about it are and what it betokens. say now everyday i walk onestep closer to death and of course to calf pain, possibile varicosity but the point is from now to the end what is it that is going to fill up the things in between, love, anger, sorrow, pain, torture, ignorance and bliss, tragedy, faith, hope? there's so many things to feel and experience but in my mind and heart i believe in one thing that is purpose, i'm supposed to know am i? but what is it that i'm required i can't actually point a finger to it. seems less likely that i find that out soon. see i think, the more i keep pondering about this endlessness, and the more i try to define it the more i confused i get. a lot of things to me appear intangible, physically. maybe i demand too much from myself and from the dynamics of this macrocosm. so i do what i think people do, either let live and pretend nothings all the matter or in acknowledge that uncertainty, inhale exhale, pray for guidance and grace and prevail, and after all that still end up in uncertainty. like trying to escape only to end up in another loop of entanglement. so how now? maybe finding that certainty means something else. maybe it means finding love first before finding significance, maybe even a hint that can lead to something greater. maybe it means moving along go on the blink getting into mother of all funks before stumbling upon the veritable! maybe it connotes acknowledgement, affirmation, acceptance, then in fascination, gravitate to my self-evident axiom, who knows? and i know. i make it sound as if knowing the uncertain is the only means of knowing what becomes of me when everything comes to an end. but isn't there some truth to that cerebration? that one need some kind of certainty even if u think some things are the way the are or brushing it as it's written in the stars or predestination already fixed what is doubtful to you? i know despite a certain finalty and between now and the end lies the questionable uncertain, that i am to walk the path, what i stumble upon i can pick it up use it or throw it away and those choices i made all being a product of my own judgement. the problem lies now with innumerable conception masquerading as definite wisdom.

Learnin New Things

it's funny that u learn new things everyday. here's on about what kind of American English i speak!

Your Linguistic Profile:

40% General American English

40% Yankee

20% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

resurrection (200 miles from home)

i died the day thunderstorm
crosses the boundary of the
Red Sea into the Sahara,
and i died looking at diamonds
glitter in your eyes

i died the day the fortress
of my heart mugged to
incapacitation by the plundering
clutches of white lipped men
denied of its contractions of it's

perfusion i'm stone-like, shocked; until a
reverberation in my ear provokes
me to stand up to the mountain of
needles silhuouetted on a haemorrhagic skyline
summarily i lived

irises let light through like prisms
without colourations or subjectivity
and i tinkered with this tangible
polemical resurrection
how was it that death i feared?

how was it that i returned with virgin objectivity?

that now i hate sunflowers clawing at the wind
or when crabs repose at the prospect of impending tsunami
again this reexistence burns
like a never ending cruise into the horizon
only to find that another beckons

this voyage, this odyssey
like a defeated attempt in quest for
sateity that expires before i disentagle
the convoluted codes of purpose;
futility in the face of casuistic exertion.

terminally the grey hair on my head ruffles
in the wind strand by strand
as i looked into the depthless
the dance of particles on the rainbow and
dust on rays of light on the beaming surface of the ocean

that separates struggle and hope
where no one can understand the war of another's
the gadgets of war are natatorial
the white lipped men are cunning, they are
paraplegic but they still swim, yes they do

with their arms and vehemence
there is no world i do not fear
there is no world without fear.

Labour Day weekend part 1

dance. i taught te medicine principals and chorus some simple dance steps that maybe added on to or improvised later on but as of now..they're all good, can catch steps very fast even for those without dance experience. and they look so synchronised and for the first time i can make use of anatomical names or actions that people can understand, like dorsiflex (extend feet) and plantar flex( point feet) and abduction(open hips) and adduction(close hips) and anatomical snuffboxes and work ur gluteus, tibialis anterior, gastrocnemius and vastus lateralis and more....so fun people who actually understand medical lingo. anyway they all did some turns, pas de bourree on the points, demi-pointes, dessous, en avant, en arriere, en dehors..ok i'm exaggerating not so much.....still have long way to go man but no choice, got to do something bout it...

Fireball. Man the event was great, i never loved contemporary dance so much. some dance there was some dance on newspaper and tv sets, maybe trying to indicate something bout being drowned in a sea of information at least that's how i interpreted it. and the dances revolved around themes like feminism, abuse, one's image in modern society, communication, life, love etc..it's bloody 3 hrs long but so conceptually mature! the dancers were all technical experts and exude that quality that lacks in most amatuer dancers like myself , how does one immerse oneself into the context of a situation that one has to present to the audience yet one has not ever experienced it before? i try so hard to imagine myself doing the dances tehy do but nah......can't. but had to stand most of the time, some rooms can sit though lucky thing i did. that girl doing the futuristic installation dance thingy was like taking a long time strutting her stuff in the ex-prime minister's office. venue was arts house @ old parliament lane. and i got to sit in the chamber where ministers always pass their bills, too bad couldn't sit on where Mr. LEE used to always sit, make myself feel intelligent for a moment, if it's worth it. ok it is lah since how often do u get to sit in the pariamentary chamber!

lepak. then went to pasir ris to lepak....caught up with secondary school frens and thinking of ways to celebrate our ten years anniversary, i was suggesting doing a play and producing it somewhere where people can see us, us as amateur actors and them as not-getting-their-moneys' worth audience. i can imagine the bad voice projection, chaotic scene changes and lightings in asynchrony...man that would be a disaster. anyway most of us are so natural at acting it's like 2nd nature maybe even first. i was just telling them we are so comfortable with one another why not right? but i realise that if it was so hard for us to decide what to do during on a public holiday andend up wasting it anyway - not from bumming with nothing to do but for indecisiveness, i cannot imagine theater! so we just sat there at one small corner of the beach and was deprived of the night breeze by the vastness of downtown east and sat there sweating away. so we listened to music, talked lotsa crap,make fun of amira and beid all night, killed jellyfishes (by accident ok!), packed so slowly, ate BK breakfast high on lack of sleep and pursued home -yes! pursued cause it seemed never ending...and hpoefully meet later to lepak some more. what the hell!!

speaking of my gang - this Kental Retro, everyting about us is the letter K.
Kental
Korny
Keledek
Kahwin
Konflict
Kurang Asam / Ajar
Keji
Kentang
Kerdil
etc.....inexhaustive list!

man..my brain is high on CO2..better get some sleep now...