my mother could contend against a beast regardless of physical size, intelectual capacity. the only beast that i don't like her to face is me. my own beast. i'm sometimes like a possessed being who gets driven, subconciously to doing or saying or acting, i would say some sort amateurish and immature. being my age sometimes is weird like having the ghost of a sixteen year old trapped within u and (taking over) control the faculties of rationality, something akin to that feeling of hormonal peaking in ur blood. most times she is nice and i accorded a similar return of gesture. though she is a capable exorcist, sometimes she gets into me more devils and friends of his. maybe her being antisocial and secretive as something to do with it. it feeds the mind a vicous cycle of thoughts- untamed, unfiltered, waiting to be released! and these become her weapon,like she's the warrior havng to fend herself off, from the perils of her life and our life of the everyday. maybe such chronicity transformed her. into that woman warrior that she has learned to grow into, not mere chance nor by choice but by my stubborness to accept extremities, with virtues of her own upbringing and me of my own. to her, her "american" children have no feelings and memory, n these hollow beasts, made her "crazy" in her own way, unknown to me or anyone- and this craziness could have been the role of someone else, for she made me afraid, really afraid when at times she says nothing, did nothing, as if i can hear herslam the door through that silence.
i would dream of vampires.

20.2.06

nous apprenons des expériences, bon ou mauvais, et prise ce que vous voulez. parfois, vous denevez un hypocrite, un 'backstabber' et une chienne pour subir cette expérience.

anyway that aside i kinda liked zaini's choreo today. pseudo hip hop jazzified lyrical hip hop. his waves were so luigi-ed and there were like ten turns in 3 8s no shit. and i sweated like the alps! partly the reason why i was slowly regressing to the back of the room to avoid 'swinging' sweat onto the faces of people over on the other side of the room and also those dancing with me, i tried but still saw them flying off, like they are on some carouselic misadventure. eeks!

then it was the usual indecisiveness of couplism, someone ought to say," Jiu4 zhe4yang4 ba, bie2 zai4 san1xin1-er4yi4 le!" (oh i learnt that when practising writing the character er4). i realised i've been paparazzi-ed right under my nose, snapshots of moi-self caught in the act of ahem- reading!!

yesterday, had some class gathering and we were like trying to decide where to go to. and we sat in andre's place for like almost 1hr15mins trying to decide and the rest of my friends thought of so many places to go to to satisfy their culinary cravings, and everytime they suggested something 5 pairs of eyes would come shooting straight at me (i can almost imagine the wagging tongue and imminent yelp that's coming) and i would give them the "i-have-never-heard-of-that-place-face-in-addition-to-the-i-dont-think-it's-halal-look" and i felt bad. and they had t call tons of restaurants to ask whether or not they serve halal food. i was depriving my friends of exotic food, plus i dont eat seafood and my friends knew that since like college and they were like so that means, "Fish& co., Manhattan market place @ plaza sing, Marche......(the list goes on) is out of the question." i almost excused myself, was gonna think of something to get out of the way. but nope, they insisted. shucks.
so finally aftr so many calls and surprising u'd be flabbergasted that people over the other side of the phone don't know what "halal" food is or worse, someone question back," what's muslim? in response to do u serve halal muslim food?" blearggh. freaky eh? just makes u ponder about when people refer to singapore as urban chinese city state- malays and indians being invisible what more muslims? whatever.

tired again

school was crap! yes... dr.singh gave us a lecture on limb lengthening, i mean huh? ok maybe i was interested cause i'm short! and if there was any reason for me to lengthen mylimbs and get taller, i would. but it'll cost me 80,000-130,000. where do u get the money?! hmm, that's not like i don't like my height now. in fact it's better being short, the bedside level allows for easy access to the patient, taller people like jega and etc can get chronic back pain and premature arthritis- bleargh.
then it was lectures on shoulder and knee- so freaking repetitive, cannot stand it man!!! whining.... give me a break.
then it was a trip to the pharmacy to get surgical tapes for my feet,cause they will help ease the pain from having dancesoles tat are freakin expensive, which'll make u go pensive then later get hypertensive- gosh i'm lame.
dance practice was not bad at least for juli's item who by the way keeps apologising btw. but shes been kind to us, so i must say thanks and thank gosh i'm not in FangQi's item, which has no guys in the item in the first place. she's a gd choreographer but she's a siren!!man she's loud, many manymore to learn.
juli's was not bad, save for some soulthat lookd with 'what'?
i just hate doing it many² times which is irritating

ok now really sleepy.......

tired tired tired

i'm shag. it's been quite a while since these calves hurt, this mind tires n my shirt stinks! ok the last one's quite recent. today lynette, justin n i skipped a lecture, not before it started but DURING the lecture while the tutor was showing us medical students a patient n the signs that we were supposed to be able to pick up from the chronic carpal tunnel problem. in any case we left sneaking out of the room like cockcroaches exposed to light, and adding a slam of the door at da end of it. bam! the escapade brought us to marina square, where we watched i not stupid 2. which i thought was quite brilliant, how jack neo synthesises the normality of the everyday n things we take for granted or what we overlook into meaningful thought provoking experiences n marries these with his own brand of comedy, albeit cliche n i would say singaporean but nevertheless, something i can relate to and emphatise. but ya sometimes the degree of exaggeration can contort u into look of disgust and vehement reaction of the lame and extremely extreme, put it simply, it was good LAH.
then i was looking forward to marina thosai but hopes were shattered, like aiyah no point giving analogy. i have no comments.
then i was just dragging myself in and around town in the rain. lookin fr shoes but wantin nothing in particular just feel like buying one. itchy. but i very very choosy so won't want just any pair.
oh ya in orchard met all kinds of people and couples, some very ostentatious, some weird, some out of place but it's orchard u meet them all. the rich the poor the bad the good. whatever. so lame.
back in sch had dinner with a certain someone who i think is getting skinnier by the minute and whose been criticising my new found diet! i won't mention candy's name in this instance, but u noe. dont tell k?
n yeah talking bout the area behind LT11 which looks quite american college-y stuff u see in the movies like a beautiful mind, the exorcism of emily rose, etc but not quite cos it's like surrounded by buildings that look dilapidated and at the verge of coating itself with 100% rust with paint destroyed by acid rain, then comin down in pieces that might pollute the soil n strip the grasses beneath of it's dignity n green-ness.
then we were on the way to dance pract. it lasted 5.5 hrs, i almost died. mainly cause i thought it could be done faster, but i'm just so freakin impatient most times and my threshold for tolerating things' quite low. n i hate myself for imposin my views n overtly show tht i'm impatient, but i just had to do it, if not things would not move on, at least that's what i think, and also i did it cos i didn't care if i piss people off, someone has got to do it, i do all e time, it's bad i noe, i noe, but i did it, n i did it. sianz.. :(
when it ended it was 11.45, n i didn want 2 do anythin but just get home. still having my neck pain i don;t know whether it's muscle pain or joint pain, i hope it's not cervical spine subluxation. quite worried though woke up in the mornin with median nerve compression symptoms. tingling and parasthesia.
lookin forward to evo.