i watched from afar as children ran around the playground; wearing happy expressions and producing laughter that would make one laugh along whenever it's vibrations reaches the labyrinths of the ears. that sound resonated in my head, and i cant help but miss those times; those innocent years. all i ever wanted to do when i was a kid was love my grandmother; maybe love is too esoteric a word for a young fik to understand, for retrospectively speaking, i 'used' my grandmother for myself, my selfish desires, my need for affection, attention, you name it. but i guess being a kid justifies those instances. at the same time it ain't fair if God has to take someone whom you pour your love and affection to at a point in time where one hasn't learned or discovered the true meaning or materialise that understanding of what love for someone is all about. it gets worse if such things happen to you again............ and again.
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hari demi hari berlalu dengan kesunyian yg kian hari makin kuat. entah kenapa hatiku berasa begitu berat sekali, mataku semakin loya menjama sinaran cahaya yg selalu ku terima;spontan, lemah-lesu? seumpama diriku ini tidak terdaya lagi, tiap langkah dan tiap gerakkan tubuh menjadi satu tugas berat yg semakin lama mengulum batinku....akhirnya aku menyerah diri setelah berkali-kali ku cuba memerah tenagaku untuk keluar dari nasibku ini; kenyataan realiti atau fatamorgana yg selama ini menggelumbu hidupku...
ketidakadilan ku fikirkan; tidak akan sama sekali aku diabaikan....tidak akan sama sekali nasibku begitu dasyat, adakah ini satu jalan ke arah kesedaran, ke arah 'perdirikarian'?
benak fikiranku cuba meninjau buat sedemikian, kemudian ku langsung semula dengan keadaan statik-ku.....
sepeninggalanmu.......sayang.....

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i gave the child a kiss on the forehead.
a surge of autonomic reflexes overcame me and in my heart i prayed for the extension of the inevitable outcome
i looked at her face as i walked out of the room, smiling....'feeling love'......